Face Down
by ferryboats7
Summary: Mer ignores her heart and picks Finn, who seems great...until he becomes possesive and abusive. Derek, left bruised and angry, might be the only person who can help her...if he lets himself notice. MerDer, angsty. NEWLY UPDATED FEBRUARY 24
1. Fantasies

**I've finished Sky Blue and Black now, and am very close to updating Jigsaw (I know, I know, I suck at updating that story…but I'm stuck between the climax and rising action at the moment, but I promise I'm working on it) and for some reason, despite having a ton of school work this year, I feel the need to have two stories in the works. I am LOVING season three (Happy MerDer whoo hoo!) but I am feeling like I need to write some angst. So. This is probably the most serious topic I've dealt with, and it's also my first attempt at first person writing (alternating between Meredith and Derek), so this is going to be interesting. I hope. Please review. **

_Cover up with make up in the mirror  
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again  
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you. _

Do you feel like a man  
when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

_Face Down, Red Jumpsuit Appartus_

Meredith

I stand in front of the mirror, suppressing yawns and thinking that five a.m comes too damn early. I should have taken a normal job, with normal, nine to five hours.

Nine. I close my eyes momentarily, imagining it. How pleasant.

Sadly, that's only a fantasy. Especially when you're a surgical intern. But I have a tendency to do that…fantasize. A lot. Certainly an unhealthy amount. How can anyone not do that? Its only human. 'Grass is greener' syndrome, and all that. How is there any possible way that we can't imagine living a different life? How can we stop ourselves from wondering if we're making the right choices, or, if its something we can't control, what it would be like it things were different.

I go too wide with the eyeliner and grudgingly grab at a washcloth to start over. Too much deep thinking for this ungodly hour. Definitely not a good idea.

I start over with the makeup and finally finish. I stare at myself critically, first wondering if the eye makeup is too much, then wondering if the foundation is thick enough. There's a faded bruise on my right cheek; surely it's unnoticeable now; I've gotten used to this routine. I finally stop scrutinizing it; I'm sure I only think it's obvious because I'm staring. Still, I'm not as reassured on the eye makeup…

The bathroom door creaks open, and I tense automatically. Finn steps in and smiles. I return it to his reflection, not turning around. His hair is bedridden and his only half open with sleep. "Morning", he murmurs sleepily.

"Hi." He blinks a little, adjusting to the light, and studies me. "You think that eyeliner's a little thick?"

"Is it?" I pretend this is just a casual question.

"Yeah. You've got a 20 hour shift. Who are you trying to impress?"

I laugh like I think he's joking, like this is a completely different conversation with a completely different person. "You don't want me to look nice?"

"Yeah, for _me_." He leans a little closer, slipping his hands on my waist, and I stiffen slightly. "Come over tonight."

"It'll be late, Finn."

"Come over. We can stay at my place tonight." I'm not surprised; he hates it here, and I hate it there. We've been spending most of the time at his place; last night was an exception, simply because I hadn't gone to his place after work, so he'd been 'forced' to come here.

I give him a fake smile, still aiming at his reflection to avoid turning around to face him. "Yeah, okay."

"Good. Now I've got to go." He starts to walk out, then hesitates. "Seriously, though. The eyeliner. You're not in high school." I wince a little at the rough tone, but just nod my head. He closes the bathroom door and I unconsciously exhale deeply. A melodramatic action, I'll give you that, but not inappropriate at all.

I emerge from the bathroom a few minutes later, not wanting to risk catching Finn before he leaves seeing as I have not attempted to change anything about my makeup, eyeliner included.

Izzie and George are in the kitchen, transferring coffee from the pot into cups. They murmur what could conceivably be 'good morning', but it's hard to tell. George has never been a morning person, and Izzie, though she's been back at the hospital for over two weeks now, still regards it as some sort of torture for the first part of the day.

"Finn left, right?"

"Yeah, a minute ago." George takes as muffin from the container on the counter and pushes it toward me; I take one gratefully, and I've gotten about two bites in before we head to the car.

Soon, we're at the hospital, and, because fate doesn't like me to have good days, Derek's the first person I see. He's talking with the Chief right inside the door, and he momentarily glances up before looking away, pretending, as usual, like I am no longer, to quote Cristina, a blip on his radar.

What was it I was thinking about earlier? Fantasies. Nothing like Derek to make me fantasize. There's a lot to work with there. Fantasies are built on 'what ifs'.

What I had chose differently?

_Flashback: One Month Ago_

_"Meredith?"_

_"Meredith."_

_I stand there between them, feeling as if time has stopped. This is one of those surreal moments, definitely. Because a few hours ago, there would have been absolutely no way anyone could have convinced me that I would have had sex with Derek during a prom, and end up standing between my married ex-boyfriend and my current boyfriend (I guess he's my boyfriend anyway. Rules have not been made. But then, I'm not really prepared to talk rules, seeing as when Derek and I decided to do that…oh, let's not bring that up) feeling like I'm making a much bigger choice than whether to ride home with Finn._

_"Meredith?" Finn sounds concerned and, perhaps understandably, baffled. _

_"Meredith." Derek's isn't even a question. He's saying a lot with just my name. He's good at that. _

_Shit._

_I'm mentally making a pros and cons list. This is admittedly not the smartest thing to do, but I'm panicked._

_Here's the best thing I can come up with: _

_Finn (pros) Sweet, sense of humor, saves puppies for a living (really, this is actually one of the first things I think of) has plans, cares about me, not married, understands scary/damaged. _

_I blank out on his cons. Then, thinking of an episode of Friends that featured a similar list (the end result not being so good, but I don't consider this any sort of omen) and a con comes to me: not Derek._

_Derek's list is easier, probably because I start with the cons)_

_Derek (cons): Lied about his wife, stringing me along, called me a whore, cocky, married…_

_Married. _

_This shouldn't be hard._

_"Come on, Finn."_

_He's still looking confused, and I realize that he has no idea he's won this mini-battle here._

_I can't look at Derek at first. Then the click of heels against the tiled floor makes me turn and I see Addison walking toward him. I only turn for a split second, but this is apparently enough to memorize the expression on Derek's face: a brilliant combination of hurt, bewilderment, uncertainty, and anger._

_Tears sting my eyes, but I turn to Finn and follow him anyway. He takes my hand as we walk out, and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. I feel like I'm going to collapse any moment._

_Still, I'm trying to convince myself that I made the right decision. Finn's great. He's the perfect guy. _

George, Izzie and I step onto the elevator and I watch Derek a little more, trying to be casual about it so my friends don't comment.

I sigh as the elevator doors close, blocking my view of him. I think back to that night some more, at prom.

Finn _had _seemed perfect. And for two weeks, he'd stayed that way. I'd been miserable, trying to help Izzie through her crisis, working a lot to pick up the slack at the hospital, and thinking about Derek much more than was healthy. Finn was there, and he made me feel okay about what I'd decided.

Then, he began changing. Jealousy came first. He didn't want me talking to Derek, and he began constantly asking about him, trying to catch me out. I thought this was irritating, but at least a bit understandable…after all, I _was _thinking about Derek a lot, and even though Finn had no way of knowing this, what he was doing didn't feel inappropriate.

He got worse. He doesn't like me hanging out with my friends at night, going to Joe's. I don't appreciate this much, but it just means he wants to be with me a lot.

Right?

I mentioned it to him, gently and casually, but he said it was because he and his wife, before she died, were spending a lot of time apart, hanging with friends rather than each other, and he regrets not spending a lot of time with her. And, he'd pointed out, as much as I work already, isn't it understandable that he should want to spend time with me when he gets a chance.

I had no way to argue this. It makes sense.

The hitting, though, is new. About two weeks ago, it started. I was in a tetchy mood and he was grilling me about Derek…its not important. He apologized so much after, and he got teary-eyed and said the anniversary of his wife's death is coming up, and said he always getting miserable during this time.

Being sorry, though…that didn't make him stop. It scares me a lot more than I like to admit, but this isn't who he is, surely? This isn't the guy I met or the guy or was there for me when he had no reason to be, who forgave me after I admitted to the prom incident with Derek. I've never had someone I love die, how should I know if this isn't how someone reacts to the reminders…he didn't leave me over the other crap, the distance and the crying (that happened a lot, incidentally, in the aftermath of the prom, and I would refuse to explain it). I'm giving him a chance.

It's for the best. Besides, if I'm not with Finn, leaving Derek would have been for nothing. And I hate the thought.

Also, he said he loved me last week. He _loves _me. He loves _me. _And maybe I didn't say it back but…I drank in those words. I loved that he loved me. That has to count for something.

Right?

Derek

Once she walks by I can't concentrate on what Richard's saying anymore. I'm trying too hard to keep from swiveling around to watch her get into the elevator with her friends.

Conflicting feelings always happen when I see Meredith, and today is no exception. There's the familiar feeling of desire, a sort of desperate longing that gets worse everyday that I go without her, and there's anger, directed at any one of several candidates (her, me, Finn, Addison), and a little twinge of jealousy thrown in for good measure.

She's not happy. I know her well enough that I can tell she's not, even from the distance that we've kept between each other for the past month. I knew she wouldn't be happy when she left with him, and what kills me is that _she _knew it. She had to. Because if she was happy with him, what had gone on between us in the prom wouldn't have happened, that much I'm sure of.

I didn't tell Addison. About prom, I mean. Part of this was cowardice, part of it was childish spite (if I have to see her with Finn, she has too see me with my wife), and part of it was just selfishness…there's no longer a chance with Meredith, so nothing should be stopping me from staying with Addison.

I have, actually, resorted to a very childish method of handling of this whole situation. Ignoring Meredith as much as possible, speaking only medical talk with her when forced, is very grade school, or junior high if I'm being generous with myself. She had a right to her choice, just like I did when I made mine.

But that doesn't make it any less painful. I wanted a chance to fight for her, and I don't feel like I got one.

Mercifully, Richard seems to realize I'm not listening at all, and ends the conversation. Just as well. I've got a consult with a patient who was sent up from the pit in a few minutes anyway.

Well, it had to happen eventually.

I'm walking to the room where my new patient is and a familiar voice speaks somewhat hesitantly from behind me. "Dr. Shepard?"

I turn slowly and face her, my tone (the one I've perfected lately) is formal and laced with anger. "Dr. Grey."

Her eyes are darting everywhere but my face. "Dr. Bailey sent me. I'm your intern."

"Right. Okay." I nod to the room we're standing outside of and turn walking in, presuming that she'll follow. She does, and once we're in front of the patient I have to turn on the kind, competent doctor routine.

The patient is a fifteen year old girl in a soccer uniform who apparently was attempting to head the soccer ball in a game two days ago and met a goalie midair, spinning sideways and fell, bumping her head and spraining her wrist, somehow simultaneously. Today, she collapsed on the field in another soccer game and had what looked like a seizure.

I tactfully suggest that it would have been best to come in when it happened, just to be sure, but then drop it, because it's clear the parents are worried, and the girl is adamant about the fact that she had no headaches at all.

"What do you think it could be? Does she just have a concussion?" This is the father.

"Could be, or it could be a number of things. We'll take a CT scan to check, but there's no reason to worry until we have to." I watch as Meredith smiles reassuringly at the girl (Jess), who seemed to be getting paler as the conversation continued.

We're silent to each other when we take Jess to CT, but I catch Meredith glancing at my a couple times. A part of me hates this silence, the anger, the awkwardness of it all. But the other part of me is louder, and more stubborn, and too full of pride to do anything about it.

I do as much as I can in complete silence, not quizzing her on procedure or possibilities…its unprofessional, granted, but I can't help it.

When the CT scan results come up on the monitor, I study it for a second and forget my cold and distant tone. "Nothing! Nothing to indicate a reason for a seizure." I sigh, staring at the screen for awhile, as though expecting something to change.

"Dr. Shepard?" Meredith's voice is uncertain.

"What?"

"Isn't it possible that…maybe she burst an aneurysm?" I turn to look at her, about to protest, but she rushes on, "Remember that patient…the first one we ever worked on together." She stops, seemingly flustered at the use of the word 'together' in any context to describe the two of us. "Katie. She…she was seizing. A lot. And she had burst-"

"An aneurysm." I stare at her. "We'll need to get an angiogram. It's worth a look."

Half an hour later, I'm looking at different results, and these aren't so blank. "You were right on the mark…look at that." I point at the hemorrhage the monitor's showing.

"She's lucky." Meredith comments. "To have caught it."

"She is…" I echo. I turn to smile at her, I'm so pleased right now, but the look of surprise on her face reminds me that this is Meredith, and I'm playing the wrong role at the moment. "Anyway. We better go tell the parents. We can operate later tonight."

"Not right now?" She asks.

I feel a flash of irritation. "No, the board's full. If that's some sort of interference with your social schedule, don't bother scrubbing in."

There's a pause. "Derek…"

No. No way are we doing that. We haven't been on first name basis for almost a month. "Are you in or not, _Dr. Grey_?"

She hesitates, and her voice is just uneven enough to make me feel guilt. "In." She turns and walks out and I wince. I know I'm being idiotic. I'm still with Addison, what right do I have to talk? But after prom, after the exam room….everything seemed possible, and everything that had been huge before didn't seem like it. At least to me.

Clearly, I had been wrong.

Later that night, she has in fact stayed for the surgery. Since it's the exact same kind (and on a girl the exact same age) as the first one we did, I'm bound to start thinking about everything, and how we got from there to here, and all the other introspective stuff.

During all this thinking back, it doesn't escape my notice that most everything that's happened between us has been my fault, and yet she never carried to kind of grudge I am. What that says about me, I don't really want to think about.

But it's easier to be angry then to deal with not being with her at all. Maybe if I keeps pretending that I hates her, I'll start to believe it, and won't have that desire and longing anymore.

I'm a dreamer.

It's late when the surgeries over, nearly three a.m. and in the scrub room afterwards, I'm feeling guilty from all this thinking (it does that to me), and being this close to her for the first time in weeks, I see how tired she looks, and how stressed, and how sad.

"Meredith…" I say this casually, pretending like its not the first time I've used her first name in a month. She turns to look at me, surprised. "You did good today. You saved her."

"Oh. Thanks." She smiles wanly at me, then starts to the door.

"Come with me to talk to her parents. You've earned it. You can be the one to tell them their daughter's okay."

She turns briefly. "I can't, I have to get home."

I'm guessing she's just blowing me off, a great return for all the hostility I've been giving her. She's no responding to the sudden change. "I want you to. Really."

I step closer and as she tries to leave, I rest a hand on her arm, gripping it gently. She winces and pulls back, glaring at me. "Back off, Derek. Sorry, I mean _Dr. Shepard_." The last words are dripping with bitterness. "You don't get to suddenly decide to get over your little tantrum and be nice so just…back off. And get over yourself. I really do have to go, even though you clearly think I can't stand to be around you another two minutes."

With that she's out of the room, and I'm left staring after her, feeling empty and lost and incredibly mean.

Meredith

I'm not sure what to make of Derek's sudden change of attitude, but I can't deal with that right now. It's past three in the morning, over two hours past what was supposed to be the end of my shift.

I get the locker room and change quickly, and when I glance at my phone I've missed two calls from Finn.

I sigh. I'm exhausted, and I want to go home, in my own bed, by myself. But I told him I'd come over. And I don't feel like arguing or dealing with his reaction if I didn't come.

I get to his house in twenty minutes, and he's waiting for me in the foyer. "Where the hell have you been?", he demands straight away.

"Surgery came up."

"You couldn't have called?"

I feel panicked for a moment, and the panic disgusts me. I shouldn't have to explain this; he's making me feel like a high schooler who's broken curfew. I was just doing my job.

"I was just doing my job. I didn't think I needed to check in with you for everything. My mistake." My voice drips with sarcasm and aggravation.

"Someone's defensive.", he snaps instantly.

I turn to go toward the kitchen. "I need something to drink…"

I'm feeling shaky and sick as I walk away from him. He follows me, as I'd known he would, and continues talking. "Surgery with Shepard by any chance?"

I open the refrigerator and see that the six pack of beer that I know for a fact was full yesterday is down to only one, and I wonder how many have been consumed this evening. I don't even know if he's drunk. I'm almost hoping he is.

My eyes go to the trashcan. Only one is on top. My heart sinks a little.

"Answer me!" He's louder suddenly, and he's come to stand right in front of me.

Telling myself I have nothing to be ashamed of, that Derek's one of my bosses, I answer as calmly as I can, "Yes! I was assigned him, and the patient had a burst aneurysm-"

He slaps me across the cheek, and my hand flies to cover the spot. I don't fall this time, but I do stumble backwards and lean against the refrigerator, chest heaving.

"When you do that, you _call _me! When you work with him late, you will always tell me or I'll assume you have something to hide!" He grabs my shoulders and jerks me back so the handle of the freezer digs into my back. My head snaps back a little and hits the cool metal, and I cry out softly in pain. "Understand!"

He doesn't seem to care one way or the other. He throws me onto the ground in a quick motion, then picking up the bottle from the trash can, throws it at me. I roll quickly over before seeing that it wasn't really going to hit me anyway. Still, shards of glass go everywhere, and I'm left cowering on the floor next to it.

Finn bends down next to me, his tone different. "Why do you make me do that, baby? Just call and we won't have to go through all this. Jesus, it's not hard."

He goes out of the kitchen, turning off the light as he goes.

I don't move, I stay there, lying on his kitchen floor, shaking, tears rolling down my face. I start sobbing, but I try to keep it quiet so he doesn't hear.

And for a moment, while I lie there scared and crying, all I want is Derek to somehow magically appear in Finn's kitchen, and make this okay.

I'm a dreamer.


	2. Shut Your Eyes

**Not much to say up here, just read to A/N at the bottom. Thank you guys for the awesome reviews, so glad you're enjoying this. Please keep them up!**

_And when the worrying starts to hurt  
and the world feels like graves of dirt  
Just close your eyes until  
you can imagine this place, you're our secret space at will_

_Shut Your Eyes, Snow Patrol_

Meredith

I hate lying next to Finn that night. He's asleep when I finally make myself stand up and enter the room, or maybe he's only pretending to be. I stay awake for a long time, in spite of the fact that I'm dead tired and have to get up in a matter of hours. Finally, I feel myself drifting off.

According to the illuminated numbers on Finn's alarm clock, I sleep only about an hour until I wake up, shaking and drenched in cold sweat, a response to some nightmare I can no longer remember.

I roll over onto my other side and it stings my cheek. Only then do I realize I have another prominent mark to hide, and I touch the spot gingerly, as if I can somehow feel the extent of the damage.

I can hear every breath Finn takes next to me, and I listen to the steadiness of it; I like that. For now, I prefer Finn to be asleep than awake.

I don't really remember falling back to sleep, but I must have, because the next thing I know Finn's alarm clock is buzzing annoyingly in my ear, and as soon as I'm awake enough to register what's happening, I silence it, glad Finn's a heavier sleeper than I am.

I stumble blindly down the hallway and into the bathroom, not turning on any lights until the door is closed behind me. As soon as my vision focuses enough on my reflection, I cringe. The bruise is relatively small, at least, probably from where his palm hit, but it's much darker than the one before, and the area surrounding it is still pink. Foundation isn't going to do it this time.

I stand there, grudgingly accepting that I can't do anything about this one, and I search my brain for a feasible story to explain it.

I'm standing in the kitchen, my eyes continually darting to the glass still on the floor while I hurriedly make coffee, when Finn comes in.

"Hi." He comes up behind me and kisses me on the neck, and suddenly I've apparently regressed twenty-odd years and am fighting the urge the rub my hand where his lips touched me. I shrug him off a little, but he doesn't seem to notice. "Let's have dinner tonight", he whispers.

"It's Thursday." I mutter distractedly, hoping this will be enough.

Finn blinks at me. "And?"

"My friends and I go to Joe's on Thursdays. You know that." The last sentiment is added with a light tone, as if I think he's just being silly.

It is, incidentally, the truth. With our share of drama, at least one of us is at Joe's on any given night, but since prom, we've kind of fallen into the Thursday routine. If we're not in surgery, we go, all of us.

"You're with them all day."

"I'm not with _them _all day, Finn. I'm with patients." A note of annoyance has crept into my voice, and I instantly try to swallow it. Searching for compromise, I say, "Why don't you come to the hospital for lunch?"

His face tightens, and my stomach lurches a little, but then his expression calms. "Okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Around one." I do notice that he's telling me the time, rather than asking, but I ignore this. I'll take what I can get.

"Okay. I've got to go, so I'll see you at one." I start to turn, but he puts a hand on my arm to stop me, and I instinctively jerk back from him, my eyes widening in alarm.

His eyes narrow a bit. "What the hell's your problem?" I glance at him incredulously, then just shake my head. His eyes move to my cheek. "Can't you do something about that?"

I don't know what to say. This is the first time he's acknowledged what he does, in any way, that hasn't been right after it happens. "Um, it's too dark, Finn."

He squints at it. "I guess you're right. Not much to do about it right now.", he consents, with the air of someone who's noticed a smudge on an item of clothing.

"Yeah." He's watching me intently, so I force a smile. "So I'll see you at one?"

"One."

X X X X X

I sit in the parking lot for a few minutes, staring at myself in the review mirror, trying in vain to think of a story that explains a bruise on the cheek.

Eventually I am forced to move…well, either that or face the wrath of the Nazi.

Once I'm inside the hospital I feel myself relax a little. I've always thought of surgery as an escape, and nowadays everything about this job is functioning as an escape, even some tedious task like writing post-op notes, delivering lab results, or doing endless sutures in the pit.

The others are already in the locker room when I hurry inside.

"Hey, Mer."

"Morning."

"How's Dr. Doolittle?" Cristina asks sarcastically.

"Fine." I mutter, pretending this is a serious question. I open my locker and look around for the power bar I'd left there last night. "Hey…" I whirl around, and instantly my eyes fall on Alex, who's sitting on a bench with his mouth full. He shoots me an apologetic grin.

"Sorry 'bout that."

I roll my eyes at him.

"What happened to your face?" This is Izzie, who's suddenly next to me.

"What?"

"It's bruised."

"Really?" I sound like an idiot. My next thought makes me _feel _like an idiot. Izzie's hand is right next to my arm, because of where she's standing, and for some reason I have a sudden, inexplicable panic that she'll reach out and pull up my sleeve, revealing more bruises.

Of course, she doesn't. She just looks at me, waiting for an answer.

"Ummm….kind of a long story." I pause. "It's embarrassing."

"Sex injury?" Alex asks seriously.

George and Izzie laugh, and Cristina raises her eyebrows. "Kinky. How would that even work? Sex injury in the face…"

"Of course, it had to be my interns. I walk in and hear people talking about sex, I just knew it had to be _my _interns." Dr. Bailey has saved me from having to give a real answer to this question. She walks past George and hits him on the side of the head.

"Ow! I wasn't even the one who-"

"Save it, O'Malley. You're with Shepard. Karev, you're with Montgomery-Shepard as usual, Stevens you're on discharge. Grey, Yang cover trauma one."

We all mutter confirmation, though Alex's is somewhat sarcastic and clipped. Cristina and I head down to trauma, and I silently pray that she won't bring up the bruise again.

She doesn't. The prospect of surgery has, as always, distracted her. "I get first dibs on anything major. You were in the OR yesterday while I was stuck on discharge."

I make a skeptical noise. No way would Cristina ever let anyone else have a surgery, even if they'd been out of the OR for weeks. I'm not planning on paying her the courtesy either.

"How'd that go by the way?"

"What?"

"Your case yesterday. With Shepard."

"Oh. Fine." She gives me a skeptical look. "What? He's barely speaking to me. I don't have much to say to him either. It was uneventful." Not quite true. I think about mentioning the fact that Derek called me by my _name_ for the first time in a month, and the fact that he gave me that _look _again right before I'd left. I don't say anything though, for two reasons.

First of all, saying something like that out loud would sound extremely pathetic, especially to Cristina. But more importantly, thinking of the sudden change, though it confuses me, it makes me feel a small glimmer of happiness from some place that felt like it was dying. Sure, I'd yelled at him, something that was mostly built on panic over being late for Finn, but thinking about it afterwards…I'd be lying if I said I didn't like hearing the way he said my name again, or seeing his eyes soften, even momentarily. Of course I like it. And I'm keeping a lot of things to myself, and none of the rest of them are things I'm at all happy about.

So, yeah. I think I'll keep this one to myself, too.

Cristina's still talking. "-impressed with you. I had my doubts, after prom, as I'm sure you know. But you haven't called him McDreamy once."

"Oh. Right." I reply lamely. I'd promised myself, right after I'd walked off with Finn, that I wouldn't tell anyone about what happened with Derek and I that night. That had lasted all of twenty-four hours. Cristina and I had been in the kitchen, in between trips upstairs to check on Izzie, and I'd cursed suddenly as the realization, seemingly from nowhere, had hit me that I never had found those black panties.

Cristina had, naturally, questioned me, and the bit about the prom sex had just slipped out. And then my eyes were welling up and I was blurting out the whole story about picking Finn, the look on Derek's face, everything.

She'd been unable to believe it. In retrospect, I'm starting to understand a lot more…

_Flashback_

_"Wait, let me get this straight. You have sex with Derek. Derek, the guy you've been pining for for the past-"_

_"I haven't been pining…" My voice is feeble in its protest._

_"-and you voluntarily, ON YOUR OWN FREE WILL, walk away, with a VET, without even talking to him about it? VOLUNTARILY?"_

_She's not making me feel any better about this. I've been kind of counting on Cristina to trash Derek and make me feel okay about things. But now she's staring at me like I'm the lowest intellectual being on the planet. "I thought you hate Derek! Two days ago you called him McJackass!" _

_"Sure, I don't like him much, as a person. But you do. You've been miserable without him, and now you get your chance and you don't even talk to him about whether he's done with his marriage or not?"_

_There's a kind of sinking feeling in my stomach, but I'll be defending myself to the end. Though all this happened only last night, I somehow feel resigned to my decision. No turning back now. Derek's look had done that; I'd let that chance go. So I'm standing here defending my choice with things I don't even believe. "I haven't been miserable. I've been with Finn."_

_Cristina makes a noise that sounds like a half-laugh, half-snort, and I wrinkle my nose a little at the unattractiveness of it. "Please. It's not the same thing. You can't be happy with him. There's no way"_

_I'm starting to feel bad here. I chew absently on my lower lip and study the floor. I sink slowly onto one of the barstools against the counter and prop my chin up on my fist. "Maybe."_

_Cristina's voice softens and she sits next to me. "Look, Mer, I didn't mean it like that. I understand why you did it. He's married. He called you a whore a week ago. He hurt you. Not the safest bet." I shift my gaze to look at her. "But…I didn't really know you pre-Derek. But I knew you during, and obviously I know you after. And you were happy with him. And after…I don't know. He destroyed you, Mer. And you haven't been the same. If you think you can be okay without him…if you think you can move on, then I think…I think that's really brave of you." Cristina gives me a small smile, but my heart is sinking. This little speech didn't reassure me. Instead, I'm suffocating a little, realizing at last the full impact of what I'd done._

_Because I'm not brave. I'd been panicked, and impulsive, but not at all brave._

_Cristina's watching me, waiting for me to say something, so I plaster a fake smile on my face and say weakly, and in response to absolutely nothing. "Finn could be good for me, though. Right?"_

_She grimaces a little. "Sure if you like freakishly nice vets."_

_I ignore the vet comment. "Maybe…maybe nice is what I need now. Finn's sweet, and he's sensitive and he's honest. He wouldn't call me a whore. He wouldn't show up with a secret wife."_

_"True", Cristina admits grudgingly. "He's very un-Derek. He's like the anti-Derek."_

_"Yeah." This, for some inexplicable reason, cheers me a little bit. Maybe I can convince myself that this is a good thing. "The anti-Derek."_

I wince, my own voice from only a month ago floating through my head and making me want to gag. Sensitive, sweet, honest…who the hell was I talking about?

I was right about one thing, though. Finn is the anti-Derek. But not in the way I'd thought. Because, no matter how much I've tried to convince myself otherwise in my fruitless attempts to hate him, Derek would never hurt me on purpose. And he'd sure as hell never hit me.

"Meredith? Hello?" Cristina is waving a hand in my face, and I've apparently missed some extremely important opinion from her on something. We've stopped in the middle of the corridor.

"Sorry, what?"

"Jesus, never mind now. I've been attempting to compliment you for the last five minutes."

"Oh." I smile stupidly at her. "Thank you." She sighs in exasperation and rolls her eyes, and I hurry to change the subject. "We better hurry. If Bailey catches us loitering we'll be doing rectal exams for a month."

Cristina grimaces and nods, so we start walking again. After a moment of silence, Cristina asked, "You coming to Joe's tonight."

"Yeah."

"Finn's letting you come!" She gaps in mock horror, and I scowl. I'd forgotten he'd insisted on dinner last week, too. That's the only time it's happened, and I know Cristina's just trying to be funny. Still, the heat is rising to my cheeks and I feel like going into major denial.

"Shut up. I don't need his permission to go anywhere." There's a note of annoyance in my voice, and she gives me a strange look.

"I was just kidding."

I inhale deeply, trying to relax, convince myself that no one's accusing me, or him, of anything. "Anyway, Finn's coming to lunch."

"Whoopee." She replies, dead-pan.

We move into trauma and soon we're separating for consults. Still, the anti-Derek thought runs through my head all morning.

Derek

I'm having trouble sleeping. I stare at the illuminated digits on my alarm clock at periodic intervals. 4:12. 4:56. 5:21. 5:43. 6:07.

Since I don't have an early surgery, so I don't have to be in for a few hours. Still, it's only 6:34 when I give up trying and slide out of bed carefully so as not to wake Addison.

I move around the trailer getting dressed as quietly as possible, which is more difficult than it sounds when you consider the small space available. I'm in the closet searching for a shirt when I pause, staring at the jacket from the suit I was wearing at the prom.

I smile wryly to myself, thinking how long that jacket stayed out of the closet after prom. On the floor, on Addison's chair at the kitchen table (real subtle there), even lying across the bed. It moved around for almost a week, and every time Addison approached it, I'd held my breath, vainly attempting to stir up feelings resembling some sort of panic, but finding myself almost disappointed whenever she moved it out of the way to no consequence.

Now, I slip my fingers inside the right pocket. I don't even need a moment to remember which pocket. My fingers are met with the silky material, and I let my fingers linger for a moment, closing my eyes momentarily, thinking of the night I'd collected them, where they had been tossed haphazardly in a corner of the exam room. I'd located them only seconds after Meredith had followed Dr. Torres out of the room and stuck them in my pocket.

I'd told myself later that I had full intention of returning them, but when she walked off with Finn, there had been no opportunity. But my extremely strategic placement of the jacket around the trailer revealed other motives.

Removing my hand from the jacket, I close the closet door slowly. I don't know why I'm keeping them in the pocket like that; for a brief moment, I visualize a night going out to dinner with Addison, removing my jacket and putting it on her, her hands slipping in the pockets, her expression freezing…in this vision, for some reason, my expression is one of complete shock. That's a complete fantasy, though…as if I could ever forget they're inside.

I walk outside onto the porch a few minutes later, rolling my neck back in an attempt to get rid of the stiffness.

I'm not quite ready to leave for the hospital yet, so I walk a little way around the yard, my eyes inadvertently moving to the clearing where we'd buried Doc.

Thinking about this, I realize I was wrong about yesterday being the first time I'd talked to Meredith since prom. There was the day two days after, when she'd come over to bury Doc with me, in response to the short, bitter message I'd left on her cell (_Talked to the vets office and they said we have to get Doc's body now if we still want to bury it ourselves. But I'm guessing you already knew that. I'm going to bury him tomorrow if you're still interested.) _

Nothing in my behavior would have suggested it, but I'd hated myself for the way we left things that day…

_Flashback_

_I open the door and look at her, no greeting whatsoever._

_She's not looking at me, but after a moment of silence, she speaks. "You said you were going to bury Doc."_

_"Yeah."_

_She glances up finally. It's raining lightly, and her hair's already damp; I wonder how long she stood out there before knocking. "Well, I wanted to be here."_

"_Fine."_

_She looks away again. "It's raining."_

"_You think?" I'm struck by the extreme childishness of this retort before it even leaves my mouth, but that doesn't wipe away the sneer accompanying its delivery. For a moment, the sad, uncertain look on Meredith's face flinches into something resembling anger, but its gone as quick as it came. I continue, "We're doing this today. I want to get it done." She nods._

_I disappear out of the doorway for a moment, pulling on a coat and grabbing the shovel I'd leaned against the wall earlier that day. At the last second I remember an umbrella. I step outside and close the door behind me. "He's already down there. I got a box."_

"_That's…that's good." She's staring at me intently, scrutinizing my face like she's looking for some sign of warmth or forgiveness. _

_I turn away from her and raise the umbrella, keeping myself a few paces in front of her. I'm trying desperately to ignore the light jacket she's wearing, and the fact that the rain's pouring even harder. _

_We get to the clearing we'd both talked about at the vet's office, where the wooden box with our dog's body in it is waiting. I'd dug to hole that morning, and had just waited for Meredith to finish the job._

_I turn around and look at her, she's bending down, her knees bent to keep off the wet grass, one hand resting on the box. She's not looking at me. "I meant to ask you…" I start to say, then trail off._

_She glances up, waiting._

"_I meant to ask you if you still want to bury him here."_

_She gives me a quizzical look, and even in all my anger I can't make myself meet her gaze as I continue. "Since we're…we're probably going to be selling the trailer soon."_

_The silence goes on for an excruciating moment, and her voice is strangely thick when she answers. "Well, yeah. Looks like you've already gotten started here."_

_I nod silently, still not looking at her. Somehow, I've let this trailer turn into something that has to do with Meredith and I. Let's face it, no married couple who are in it for the long haul live in a trailer. As long as we were there, I was showing Meredith that I was still me. In that way, there was also a small possibility that we could still be us._

_But now that's changed. When she turned around to leave with Finn, all that had come crashing down. It was over. _

_And then last night, Addison, who's been looking at me with a worried, almost accusing, expression since prom, had acted like she wanted to talk about us. And in a spontaneous moment, I'd said we should sell the trailer. Move out, fresh start. She'd been so thrilled that she'd forgotten whatever else she'd wanted to say._

_And even though I'm almost certain I'm not ready to move out of the trailer, not ready for a fresh start, and definitely not ready to let go, I didn't dare take back the statement._

_Now, I still can't look at Meredith. Because she knows what the trailer means. And the fact that we're burying Doc when I tell her…it makes it more obvious._

_There's nothing left._

_I glance at her, finally, and I think she's crying, but it could just be the rain._

_I lift the box and put it in the grave I'd dug for Doc, and then slowly begin covering it with dirt._

_I glance at her a few times, and at one point I notice her shivering a little and grudgingly remove my coat and offer it to her. "Here. Before you freeze." She hesitates before taking it. _

_"Thanks." Her voice is quiet._

_I mutter something inaudible as an answer and continue working._

_When I'm done, we stand there, just looking for awhile, then I clear my throat and say brusquely. "I guess that's it."_

_Her voice is shaking a little. "I guess it is." She looks at me, her eyes glistening with tears. "Derek, can we just please tal-"_

_"No." I cut her off, and I'm trying desperately not to think of how beautiful she looks, her hair soaking wet with my coat wrapped around her. I'm trying not to think about how broken she is, and how I'm fighting the desire to hold her and fix everything. "We can't." I turn and head to the trailer, and as much as I want to, I don't look back._

My throat has tightened a little, thinking about that last moment. There's an irony, though, in remembering my thoughts at the time, when you consider that a month has passed and the trailer is still here, and Addison and I are still in it.

She still brings it up, and I find some reason to put it off. If she shows me a house or an apartment, I find something wrong with it.

I turn away from the spot where Doc is buried and head to the car, attempting to shake off these thoughts. I tell myself, _If Meredith's happy with him, I should stop dwelling and I should let go._

But the annoying little voice in the back of my head insistently counter. _If being the operative word._

X X X X X X X

The morning is fairly calm, a few consults and checking up on my post-op patients. All in all, it's pretty uneventful.

I see Meredith walking through the lobby a little before one, and without even thinking about it, I walk up to her as if I do it everyday.

Her look is a little startled, but I press on anyway. "Hi."

"Dr. Shepard." She forces a smile and nods a little, then tries to move forward.

I follow her and step in front of her. "I wanted to apologize for yesterday. In the OR."

"It's fine, Derek, I have to go-" She's glancing around kind of nervously, and I grit my teeth in frustration. I don't know why it suddenly seems important for me to say this to her right now, just to talk to her normally, but it does.

"I didn't mean to make you mad. So I'm sorry."

She finally stops trying to get away and stares at me, and her tone isn't angry, just kind of desperate. "That's what you're sorry for? The OR yesterday? You think that made me mad? Of all the things you could be…" She stops herself. "You know what? Forget it. It's fine. But I really do have to go."

My eyes focus on her cheek. She has a dark bruise toward the top, right under her eye. "What happened?" I'm just desperate to keep the conversation going.

Her face reddens. "What aren't you understanding? I have to go. You trying to make up for a month of no talking in one conversation isn't my problem Maybe…" She pauses. "Maybe you should just go back to the not talking. Because this…none of this is your business anymore."

"I-"

"Meredith." An all-too familiar voice calls from a little ways across the lobby and both of us turn. Finn Dandridge is standing there, an odd twisted smile on his face. He's looking directly at Meredith, not even acknowledging me.

I glance at Meredith, but she's staring at Finn. Not in a happy way, either. She suddenly looks like she's feeling sick.

I turn around quickly and move over to the coffee pot at the nurse's station, and stand there, pouring coffee, her words echoing painfully in my ears.

I only pay attention to my surroundings again when I hear Finn's voice raising. I can't make out the words, and I still don't turn around. Then I hear Meredith's voice rise suddenly. "_Stop _it!"

I turn around and stare, seeing that I'm the last person to do so. Everyone in the room is failing at any attempts to be subtle.

I look at Meredith for only a moment, but that's enough to take in the pale, wide eyed, and panicked expression on her face. I keep my attention focused on the file I've been holding in my hands this whole time, not really seeing anything of it.

In a few minutes, I glance up again, and this time Meredith's gaze catches mine at the exact second. There's something in hers drastically different from before, something desperate and pleading.

I hold her gaze for a moment, then I turn around and walk out of the room.

After all, I can't help but thinking bitterly, it's _none of my business._

Meredith

The whole time Derek's talking to me, I'm completely aware of Finn's impending arrival and the possibility of what will happen if he catches me talking to Derek.

And somewhere in the frustration and panic, I end up telling Derek to go back to the way we've been…where that came from I don't know, because I've hated the way we've been. But the fact is, hiding secrets from him if we're talking isn't going to be as easy as hiding them from my friends. And the way Finn is about him, maybe its for the best.

I don't get much time to think about this. Because Finn shows up. And his voice when he says my name is dangerously quiet.

He keeps his eyes locked on me, and I feel as if my blood's turned ice cold. This dread is becoming too familiar, and I move over to him, thinking that I'm okay for now, at least. He won't do anything in front of these people.

"Forget I was coming?" He's still got a weird calm expression, but his eyes are blazing.

"No, Finn, it's not…he just stopped me to talk. About, about the case-"

"Liar." He spats at me instantly, calm expression evaporating instantly. "I was watching. You weren't talking anything about a _case_."

My voice is barely audible as I mutter protests, "Yeah, we were, really…"

"Filthy little liar." He raises his voice suddenly. "What else have you been lying about huh? That 'surgery' that kept you last night!"

People are starting to turn and stare, and I attempt to move. "Not here, Finn, can we please not do this here-"

He grabs me arm, pushing my sleeve up with his hands and gripping me hard, pulling me toward him. "Don't walk away! You can't just pretend that didn't happen-"

"Finn." My voice is uneven, and I'm trying to keep it quiet. "Finn, you're hurting me-"

He tightens his grip, his nails digging into my skin. He's still talking loudly, completely unperturbed by the audience his tantrum has attracted. "You told me you two haven't been talking!"

"We're not." Head throbbing, I squeeze my eyes shut, desperately wanting to disappear. This is irrational, I can see how irrational…

"What, Meredith, do I have to come check up on you now!"

"Finn, you're hurting-"

"WELL?"

Finally, the last bit of sanity I'm holding onto snaps. "_Stop_ it!" I yell, attempting to wrench myself from his grasp on again. He jerks me a little, not enough to be noticeable to the crowd.

He lowers his voice a little, his glare hardening. "I could take you being a little _slut _at prom with him, but you can't expect that I'm going to let you keep talking to him afterwards? I thought we understood that Meredith? And why would you just happen to be talking to him when you _knew _I was coming today? How often does this actually go on?"

_It was just talking. We were only talking. _I repeat this over and over in my head, wishing I could say it out loud to any effect, wishing he would understand that. Instead I just shake my head, biting my bottom lip in an attempt to keep from crying out in pain, my eyes squeezed shut. I wish I could open them and suddenly be somewhere else, in a different time, a different situation.

When I finally open them up, Finn's still talking and I'm trying to tune him out. I glance over at Derek, an urge I've been repressing since I walked away from him, and he's glancing at me at the same time.

Our eyes lock for a moment, and I wish I could shoot him a message without words, begging him to help me. Of course, this is impossible, but Derek knows me. Maybe he'll understand…

His expression is blank as he watches me for a moment. Then, he tears his gaze away and walks out of the room, leaving me with this nightmare.

Something about that hurts more than anything Finn's done or said to me yet.

Finn finally stops talking and we leave the lobby, eyes following us as we leave. He doesn't let go of my arm until we're outside, in the cafeteria, and he releases me and turns around to stare.

"You're not going to Joe's tonight."

"Oh, really?"

"No. You're coming home. We're talking about this."

"I would think you've just said what you need to say." I don't know where I get this defiance.

His eyes flash and I tense up. I know he won't hit me, not here with people milling around everywhere. Still, he had that look.

"You are coming." He says each word slowly and deliberately, reminding me not for the first time of a parent more than a boyfriend. "Got it?"

I nod mutely. I don't want to think what he'll do to me. I glance down at my arm, daring to move the sleeve for a brief moment, and see that I'll have another fairly large bruise from where his hand was. The tiny little marks where his nails were are still visible.

That was with people everywhere, watching. When we're alone…

He stays for lunch and we eat in silence, me staring at my plate the whole time but not eating a bite of food.

I've realized two things as a result of this latest incident. One, this isn't normal. This isn't some stage of grief Finn's going through, and it's definitely scary. Second, no one can help me.

Tears fill my eyes and I fight them back as I stare at a full plate, feeling Finn's stony gaze on me. This is my new, grim reality. And for now, I don't know what to do to change it.

X X X X X X X

Finn reminds me about coming straight to his place about twenty times before he leaves. I go through the day in a daze, ignoring the glances I'm suddenly attracting in the hallways. My shift is drawing to a close, and my panic is rising.

I head to the locker room a little earlier, hoping to avoid my friends. Then, I walk across the parking lot, get in my car, and drive off…and somehow, I just know I'm not going to Finn's.

I want to go to Joe's. I _really _want to, just to be surrounded by my friends, trying to pretend that this new reality I'm facing is a whole separate life.

But Finn will go there first when he sees I'm not coming. So I can't go there. And I can't go home, for the same reasons.

I hate that I have to hide. I hate knowing that the longer I put this off, the worse it's going to get. But I can't make myself head to his house.

I drive to the home where my mother lives. It's the only place I can think of to go that Finn doesn't know about. He knows about my mother, but only the bare minimum. He wouldn't know where to go to find her. And even if he did, I doubt he'd think of this place. As I walk in the door, I switch my cell phone to silent.

I rarely go visit Mom at night; it's not her best time. Still, I'll take this over Finn any day.

Tonight, she's reliving the last bit of her residency, sometime after my father left but before we moved to Boston. To her, I'm about seven…at least she recognizes me; I'm not a doctor or a patient or a nurse.

In the middle of going on about some surgery or another, she peers at me in exasperation. I know exactly where she's looking. "What on earth happened to your cheek, Meredith? Have you been fighting?"

"No, Mom." I answer quietly. "I haven't been fighting."

She makes a sort of 'tut-tut' noise, shaking her head. "I don't believe you." To my disbelief, she takes my arm and rolls up the sleeve, the newest bruise being from this morning in the hospital. "_Haven't been fighting_…nice try. You need to stop this nonsense."

"Yes, ma'am." I say after a pause. I feel the heat rising to my face as one of the nurses for the residents turns and looks at me. I jerk my sleeve back down instantly.

I leave after another hour, and drive around for awhile. It's almost one o clock, and I'm dead tired after barely sleeping last night. I head home, taking my chances.

I glance at my cell phone and see I've missed three calls from Finn, two from Izzie and one from Cristina.

Izzie and Cristina are in the living room when I get there. Izzie looks relieved. "_There _you are. We were worried when you didn't show up at Joe's, and then Finn came by looking for you-"

"He did?"

"Yeah. He said you were supposed to come over to his house after your shift."

Cristina chooses this moment to comment, "Even though you told me you were coming to Joe's."

"Change of plans." I mutter, stretching out on the couch. "Sorry I didn't call, but I didn't feel like talking. Finn and I had a fight."

"We know."

"You know?"

"Everyone knows, Mer." Izzie informs me gently. "It's all over the hospital."

I groan. "What are they saying?"

"That he was yelling at you a lot. Something that I, by the way, didn't think he had in him." I almost laugh at the irony here. "Because you were talking to Derek." Cristina shrugs. "That's the gist, anyway."

"You want to talk about it?" Izzie asks.

"Pretty much that." I don't know what to say now. I don't know how to explain his anger at me talking to Derek. "And other stuff. I don't want to talk about it."

They look at each other. "Okay."

We fall silent, and I close my eyes, sighing. Everything that happened today flashes through my mind: the silent lunch, the stares during the fight, what's going to happen to me the next time I see Finn, Finn jerking me by the arm, the missed calls on the cell phone, riding around hiding, constant terror, the image of Derek meeting my gaze, then turning and walking out, the realizations I'd made about being helpless and alone in this grim situation.

Tears slowly fill my eyes and begin to stream silently down my face. They stay quiet until Izzie glances over at me and says, in a voice full of shock, "Mer! What is it?" Then I'm sobbing, sobbing so hard that my chest is heaving, and Izzie and Cristina surround the couch, their faces masks of alarm and confusion.

**Okay. So I think this chapter turned out pretty well, even if it feels to me a little repetitive. But this hcpater and the first chapter were simply trying to set up the situation with Mer/Finn, as well as give some insight into Meredith and Derek's current relationship, which I hope this chapter helped do with the flashbacks. For the past two chapters I've had Meredith have two POVs and Derek only have one…I don't plan to necessarily continue that, but up until this point Derek's been unaware of the Mer/Finn situation. That will change soon…possibly next chapter. Incentive to read! Next chapter will start off at the same place, but then jump forward two weeks to show how the situation is really taking its toll on Mer. Anyway, I'm excited about it, and hope you guys continue to review for an update!**

**This is practically my mantra, but long reviews are my fave, because I love to know what's working and what's not and what your favorite stuff is, etc. THANKS **


	3. Feeling A Moment

**Oh my God, guys, I'm sorry that I suck. I left you the author's note and everything saying I was going to continue…then, two days later, I got a progress report. That revealed (Ta-da) that chemistry was kicking my academic ass. The computer was quickly declared a distraction from 'studying' so it was taken. Now, however, I have pulled the grade up (Yay) so I am back on. This is a long chapter. Very important plot developments. And I swear things will speed up from here.**

_Feeling the moment slip away  
Losing direction, you're losing faith  
You're wishing for someone  
Feeling it all begin to slide_

_Am I just like you?  
_

_Feeling A Moment, Feeder_

Derek

I'm in a shitty mood when I get home that night, and I'm not even sure exactly why. I'm never exactly bursting with joy to return to Addison and the trailer, but tonight is worse than normal.

Meredith's face in the lobby today is positioned right in front of my mind's eye, and I want to get rid of the image, because it worries me. Where had that come from, that panic and desperation? It was such a rapid change from her telling me that it was none of my business, that I should go back to ignoring her…and she'd only done that a few moments before.

Addison's already home when I get there, sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. I offer a cursory 'hello' before perching on the edge of the bed, pulling my shoes off.

Of course, she wants to talk. What surprises me is what she wants to talk about.

"So what happened with Meredith and Dr. Dandridge today?"

The casual tone to her voice amazes me; Meredith's name has been forbidden since prom and now she says it like we often gossip about her. "What are you talking about?" Christ, I'm already sounding defensive; it's almost habit now, one that clearly hasn't gone away in the month or so that we haven't mentioned her.

"I heard they had a fight in the middle of the lobby. Everyone's talking about it."

I make a noncommittal noise, waiting to see where this is going.

"You were there, weren't you?"

Of course. "I was in the room, yes. Unlike everyone else, apparently, I tried to mind my own business."

"Really?" This is slightly less casual, higher on the level of sarcasm. "Because apparently it was about you."

"Buying into that 'idiotic' hospital gossip, Addie?" I can't resist saying; she's a chief complainer of the way everyone treats the hospital like a soap opera.

She actually blushes a little, but then regains her complete and utter confidence that she's always right. "There's something strange about the gossip about you and Meredith…it's usually true."

It's my turn to get a little red in the face now; what is she referring to, exactly? A wild swirl of thoughts, completely irrational, come into my mind, involving exam room sex and orthopedic residents catching us at it, whispers in corridors…

Addison is continuing, "So what is it that would have steamed Finn up so much?"

I shrug. "I haven't really talked to Meredith much." I can force casualty, too; to hear me talk, Meredith and I are merely friendly acquaintances who have, regretfully, drifted apart recently. "We were on a case together yesterday, and before Finn showed up I was talking to her in the lobby…just about the case…" My voice trails off, and I'm hoping Addison drops it.

Yeah, right.

She looks at me desperately. "Derek, tell me the truth. _Please_. A guy like Finn doesn't blow up in front of half of the hospital staff over just talking." Her gaze is piercing me, and I almost feel bad; I have lied to her many times, and now she's begging me for the truth when, in a technical sense, I'm actually giving it.

The statement bothers me, and I'm sure it shows, which probably heightens Addison's suspicions; it doesn't, however, bother me for the reason she thinks.

Addison hit on something, though. If that argument was, in fact, about me (and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been listening to bits and pieces), then it _was _irrational of Finn to blow up like that. We had talked, and that really was all that happened, despite what Addison clearly believes. Unless…

Unless Meredith had told him about prom. That's the only explanation I can think of but it doesn't sound like her. She's been going right along with me for the past month, pretending it never happened…why would she tell him now?

I'm quiet for so long, that Addison's voice has rose an octave when she presses, "Derek!"

"Sorry…listen, I am telling you the truth. Nothing happened. I've barely talked to Meredith since…" I nearly say 'prom', which would have been more than catastrophic in arousing an old suspicion, knowing the event that ended our interaction. I can't help but wonder if I would even mind. "…Doc died."

There are questions written all over Addison's face, questions she'd asked a thousand times before, questions she'd never gotten an answer to. _What happened to the whole being friends thing? Is it because of Finn? What happened on prom night that had you so quiet? Are you over he or not, Derek? It's a simple question._

Simple questions, but there are no simple answers. Or maybe there are, but the answers aren't the ones she wants to hear, not the ones I can tell her.

I lay back in bed, indicating that the window to conversational opportunity is closed. A few minutes later, Addison joins me silently, and the lights go off and the silence lingers.

I think about silences with Meredith and silences with Addison's. When Addison and I are silent, it's because we have run out of things to say, or we're too hell bent on hiding the truth half the time that it won't even come out anymore. The silences are awkward and empty.

Meredith and I can say a lot in silence, and too often we've_ had_ to use the silence to say the things that words won't or can't cover. I know how to read her eyes, and I know how to make her read mine. From simplicities like a concern during surgery to the most complex situations, like on prom night. When she looked at me, as she was leaving with him, I'd seen the regret and the uncertainty, the guilt. Nothing positive, and I'd wondered painfully how she could have made the decision so quickly and still looked at me like that.

Now, I think about the silence from the lobby today. She'd said things, sure, angry things that I completely deserved…but somehow she'd said far more with her eyes, with the look…that had been honest. A pang of sadness hits me when I realize that reading it is harder than it used to be.

Fear, pleading…the emotions are clear. The reason isn't it.

I can't sleep tonight. Not with the way I've memorized the expression on her face, not with the concern that I can't justify because I have no idea why she looked at me that way.

Addison's breathing has long grown steady when I convince myself to stop contemplating Meredith's look. Unfortunately, then I'm hearing the way she yelled at Finn to 'stop it'. After that, I see another expression: the nauseous look that had come over her face when he'd first walked up. Then, I think about the flat, dangerously quiet voice he'd used when he said her name.

I'm obsessing, and I know it. But the entire scene, the looks, the voices, all of it…it's _off_.

I'm not used to not being 'in the know', so to speak, and I'm not used to feeling helpless.

It's 3:19 when I'm seized with an incredible desire to see, or at the very least, talk to Meredith. Not the usual _I miss her, I wish I could see her_ either. This is almost a _need_ to see her, just to make sure…

Make sure what? That she's okay? Yes, that's the way I'm feeling, but it doesn't make sense.

I shiver involuntarily, and even though I've remained perfectly motionless in bed up until this point, I'm sure Addison will wake up, if not from the movement then my suddenly ragged breathing.

I turn on my side, trying to shake the thoughts from my mind. I'll have to wake up in several hours, and I'll be hating myself by the end of the shift tomorrow for staying awake so long, obsessing about something that's probably completely ridiculous, and certainly 'none of my business.'

Funny how I can't even convince myself of this.

I don't fall asleep.

Meredith

I don't want them looking at me.

They do of course. You can't make a spectacle of yourself the way I just have (the way I still _am_) and not expect your friends to stare at you. I suppose I'm lucky to have them, friends who care enough not to ignore me when I have an emotional breakdown, even though I'd gladly take being ignored right now.

They're knelt around me on the couch, the bits of their faces I can see a mixture of shock and concern, and they're asking what's wrong, their voices urgent.

I try to control my sobs, but it's not working very well. Maybe it's not so bad; as long as I'm crying, I don't have to talk. I don't have to try to explain the reason for this, because I know I can't tell them.

I want to, I _really _do; I desperately want to bring someone else into this, ask for help, anything. But I can't.

The terrifying thought comes to me, for the first time. _He'll know._

"Meredith, what is it?" Izzie's asking.

"Nothing." I choke out, and instantly feel ridiculously pathetic. It's very clearly _some_thing.

"Mer, it's not nothing." Cristina's voice is a no-nonsense, 'tell-the-truth' kind of tone, contrasting sharply with Izzie's soothing tone

"Yeah, it is…just a hard day." I'm still gasping for normal breath, and I look at them helplessly. They're my best friends, and I very nearly blurt it out; even if they can't do anything about it (and I'm sure they can't), I wish I could just let them know, stop carrying this by myself.

"Mer…" Izzie's voice rises a little.

"I'm _fine_." It comes out angry, and I don't really know where anger is coming from right now.

"Riiiight. Because you always cry hysterically when you're fine. It's a trademark." Only someone who knows Cristina very well would be able to decipher this statement into of utmost concern, and I feel almost guilty (guilty!) for making them worry and lying about it.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…" I wave my hand meaninglessly, somehow attempting to indicate the mess I've suddenly fallen into. "I think I'm just going to go to bed."

They're expressions are frustrated now, but I think they can tell I'm not going to give in. "Okay…"

Cristina stands. "I guess I'll just take off."

I nod, not looking at her as she leaves the room.

Then, Izzie and I are left standing there alone, and Izzie makes one last attempt. "You know you can talk to us, Mer."

My throat closes and I feel like I may choke on the lump in my throat if I say something. Instead, I just nod, wishing it was true.

I move up to my bedroom and lock the door when I get inside, purposelessly, but it makes me feel a little better. I don't even change clothes, but I climb into bed and surround myself with all the covers I can.

I don't want to think about what Finn is going to do next time he sees me; after the blow up followed by me not showing up at his house…I shiver a little.

The tears have stopped, mercifully, but what I'm left with isn't much better. Staring at the ceiling and trying to close my eyes, I don't remember ever feeling this helpless, and this alone.

I want to sleep.

I spend the time between midnight and one thirty trying to imagine that, somehow, I can explain to Finn what happened. Rationally. The fact that I even bother thinking about it disgusts me.

From one thirty to three I try to imagine what my friends would say if I told them. It's nice to think about it, and I feel a pathetic longing for their sympathy and hugs and the anger they'd direct at Finn.

At three my mind wanders to Derek, and I wonder what he'd do. I can almost see it, I know him so well; he'd probably be smiling, trying to entice me into a conversation, then I'd tell him. I can picture the way his expression would freeze, the smile slowly fading, the looks that would flash through his eyes, a brilliant combination of rage at Finn and concern and maybe sadness for me…

I close my eyes and seek deeper into the fantasy, imagining the way he would wrap his arms around me and make me feel completely safe.

It's a comforting image, and I focus on it for the rest of the night, afraid to drift off and lose it.

I don't fall asleep.

X X X X X X X X

I leave with Izzie and George the next morning for work the next morning, not feeling tired yet but sure it will catch up with me. I leave my cell phone, turned off, on my bedside table at home. I wonder how long I can do this; dodge Finn, only going out to go to work, riding everywhere in cars full of people, or staying home locked in my bedroom, my roommates an assuring few steps away.

I'm barely inside the hospital doors when I hear a voice behind me.

"Mer…"

I turn slightly, and Derek's standing there, staring at me, wide-eyed, with a strange expression on his face.

I meet his eyes for a moment, and he looks almost relieved, and I can't even think to be angry or nervous or whatever the hell my role is with Derek right now. I just wait, because the way he says my name freezes me.

He doesn't say anything, and finally I turn around, away from the stare, away from the things I can't explain. I think back on the image that had gotten me through last night, and I love remembering it for a moment. I want to hold on to it.

The image, the _completely fabricated_ image is now woven into my mind and it's so powerful that for just a second I turn back to look at him. A sudden instinctual urge to run up to him, to tell everything, to let that face become real, overtakes me, but it's gone as quickly as it came, and I follow the others to the elevator.

I know I won't tell Derek. How can I? I _left _him for Finn, turned around and walked off with a man who hurts me _on purpose_, the last part making him so different from the way Derek hurt me. I chose Finn over Derek, and what right do I have to ask him to save me now?

Besides, if I think Finn would go crazy over Cristina and Izzie knowing, there's no telling what he'd do if I told _Derek_.

I like the security of the hospital, the crowds of people, because for awhile I'm safe.

It's a false sense of security, though, because I'm on my way to the cafeteria with Alex, Cristina and Izzie (George is in surgery) when Finn's in front of me.

"Hi." His voice is soft and serious, his eyes uncertain, but I know this is for my friends benefit. "Can we maybe go somewhere to talk?"

I take an unconscious step backward, so I'm in between Cristina and Alex. "I don't really have much time right now…"

"It won't take long."

I feel a chill run down my spine at the words, but I ignore them. "We're actually on our way to eat..." I glance at Alex momentarily, and I notice he's giving me a confused look. I turn to Cristina, but she's no different.

Finally Izzie says in an uncertain voice, "Mer, we don't mind, if you need to talk…"

Alex nods in confirmation, and I feel sick. What now? I had somehow lured myself into believing that just being around my friends would be enough to avoid him. But what happens now?

"I can't leave, Finn, I'm on call." Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Alex looking at me hard, and I hope the fear doesn't show on my face.

He shrugs. "We can just go someplace quiet. Please?" My eyes narrow at him and I glare for the few seconds I can keep it up.

I think about refusing, telling him I don't want to talk, but they'll wonder. Besides, how long can I put this off?

Finally, I nod numbly and my friends walk off, shooting me smiles and 'good luck' sort of faces. Finn's face is expressionless as he looks at me, an outward appearance of absolute calm.

I lower my voice, "I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Sure you are", he replies in a mild tone of voice, taking my arm.

I wince. "Finn, no."

"Yes." He's still speaking in a distracted, disinterested tone, and his eyes are darting around the halls. "Where can we go?"

I jerk my arm back and start to walk away, instinct taking over.

Of course he follows me, his grip tighter now. He moves his mouth close to my ear, and his voice isn't quite so mild. "You're coming." And it's still not a question as he leads me to the basement of the hospital, the 'tunnels' and it's a sign of my sudden numbness that I can only wonder how he knows where we're going.

I'm hoping someone will be there, but of course there isn't; it's why we come down here, just us interns. It's our place, and every once in awhile a gurney gets pushed through or a doctor wanders around, but usually it's empty.

I cringe a little feeling the hard floor beneath us, looking at the brick lining either side, thinking of the way footsteps echo to announce the arrival of anyone before they come into view…

He's got nothing to worry about.

I move automatically to one of the gurneys that are pushed against the wall and sit down. His eyes are full of anger now, and the muscles in his face have tightened; this look it becoming much too familiar. "What is it, Finn?"

"You didn't come over last night."

"I know."

"I caught you with Derek yesterday."

"_Talking_ to Derek. He's one of my bosses, Finn…" I try. Every single time he does this I try, try to reason with him. I've lost any hope of it working.

"You talk to him. You came home late two nights ago, and then not at all last night." His eyes are wide with fury. "What am I supposed to think?"

I'm growing angry. I have no room for learning from mistakes where Finn is concerned. "You were supposed to trust me! And not get so damn pissed just because one of my bosses used to be my boyfriend." I'm standing now, probably not the smartest move.

"You shared a dog, Meredith!" He steps closer, and this phrase is delivered with a very accusatory, 'got-you-there' kind of tone.

I give him a look of disbelief, and shoot back the only possible retort to something like that. "_So_?!"

Finn shakes his head and turns, walking a way a little, his expression wild. Suddenly completely exhausted, sick and tired of this whole thing, I sigh, drawing my arms closer to my body, and slowly close my eyes. As soon as I do, I stumble backwards onto the gurney from the sudden impact of a fist connecting with my right cheek.

He'd caught me off guard, and I barely register the pain underneath the surprise and the panic. Finn leans forward and grabs my arms, shaking me, a manic look in his eyes. "What do I have to do to you, Meredith? Things _have _to change!"

My eyes are closed again, and I'm thinking, _I could not agree more, Finn. Things do have to change. Specifically, YOU. _Of course I don't say that.

"I, I c-can't do this anymore, Finn." I blurt out, my voice shaking. He stops shaking me, but his grip doesn't loosen at all.

"Do what?"

I wave my hand, suddenly terrified at what I've said. "This. Any of it."

He gives me a weird little smile, his voice almost mild. "Well, that's too bad. Because you're damn well going to _do this_." In a swift motion, he's shoved me to the back of the gurney, my head hitting the window behind it. "RIGHT?!"

There's no way I can get the words out. I nod.

"And things are going to change, RIGHT?"

I can't move. He's inches from my face, pinning me against the wall by my arms.

"God_damnit_…" With a sudden jerk with his foot, he slides the gurney out from under me, and my head hits the window sill and for a moment everything is dark.

Suddenly I'm lying on the ground, my head throbbing painfully, my back aching. I'm dizzy as hell, and after a moment I feel something sticky in my hair…

"Things are going to change, RIGHT?"

"Yes." My voice is small, but I know now to answer.

"Good. Come over tonight." His footsteps echo through the hallway, and he's gone. My eyes are burning in an effort to hold back to the tears.

Finally, I force myself to sit up, moaning quietly. I reach back to feel my head, and my hand comes back red and sticky from blood.

I walk quickly up to the locker room to rinse it. Feeling the cut blindly, I determine that I don't _need_ stitches, at least…

I sit down on one of the benches, my chest heaving. I've got a few minutes before I need to get back on the floor. Everyone else is still probably at lunch.

Or not. The door to the locker room clatters open and Alex is standing there, looking uncharacteristically serious. "Hey, Mer, can I talk to you for a sec?"

I shrug, trying my best to look casual. "Sure."

He sits on the bench across from me. I can tell he's a bit uncomfortable with whatever he wants to ask, because he shifts his weight a couple times and avoids my eyes. Finally, after much throat clearing, he glances at me and blurts out, "Is everything okay? With you and Finn?"

Taken aback, I hesitate for a moment. "Um…well we were fighting a little yesterday, but-"

"No, not…" He pauses, sighing. "Is everything _okay_?"

My stomach turns a little, but I manage to get out, "Not sure what you mean, Alex."

"Are _you_ okay?" He fixes me with the same hard stare he'd given me before I left with Finn, and I can't look him in the eye anymore. When I finally meet his gaze again, he's looking at my cheek. Too late I realize the small bruise that was there early has probably grown and darkened.

I pretend not to notice. I give what I hope is a confused smile. "I'm fine, Alex. Why?"

He shakes his head, not looking convinced. "Nothing. Just know…if you're not, you can talk to me."

Oh, crap. Forget it. Tears are stinging my eyes, and I look quickly into my lap, watching my fingers pull absently as a loose string on the seam of my scrubs. "Thanks, Alex."

I think about what Finn made me promise…that things were going to change. Suddenly, I feel like crying because I know that they aren't.

**Two Weeks Later**

I was right. Nothing's changed.

Ever since the incident in the tunnels, I've stopped defying him. I've stopped trying to reason with him. I've given up.

I do what he wants. I come to his house on the nights he wants me to, which is nearly every night. I skip going to Joe's when he tells me to, I break plans with my friends if he wants. I eat with him at the hospital if he shows up. I do everything he wants, and still he gets angry. Every single night, there's something. Sometimes I'm late, sometimes I leave early, sometimes I wear too much makeup, sometimes I say something he takes the wrong way…

It doesn't really matter. He finds something to get angry about.

The little time I don't see him, the times I'm with my friends, I'm a wreck. I cry a lot, out of desperation and I can never really control it. I hold it in, when I'm with him, so my friends get the short end of the stick. Sometimes I catch Alex watching me, or making like he wants to say something and I've started avoiding him as much as possible.

It's a Thursday, and we're sitting at a table in the cafeteria, and they're all eating. I'm not. I just…don't want to. My shoulder's hurting today; he grabbed it at some point and twisted it, and now it's aching painfully.

I can tell everyone's uncomfortable, and I know it's my fault. After a few days of being around me, as I'm always either crying or snapping angrily at everyone nearby, they've become uncomfortable. Big surprise.

Finn, shockingly, didn't give me any instructions on where to go tonight. I might get to go to Joe's.

Yahoo.

Cristina is looking at me with a determined expression, and then says, "Meredith, are you ever going to tell us what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Is it Derek? Has he been-"

"_Don't _talk to me about him." I snap instantly, feeling a bit stupid. But seriously, the last thing I need is for anyone to mention my name in association with Derek.

Cristina mutters something that sounds like "answers my question" but I don't bother replying.

Derek

At the end of the day on Thursday, I'm in the scrub room when Cristina Yang corners me.

"I need to talk to you, Dr. Shepard." Her voice is cold and hard, and I sigh inwardly, wondering what I could have done to warrant this anger.

"Okay, sure, go ahead."

"I want you to leave Meredith alone."

My mouth flies open automatically, I was so ready to defend myself. But upon hearing the actual accusation, I pause. "Huh?"

"She's a mess. I mean, she wasn't happy about it when you weren't speaking to her after…after prom, but now…she cries _all_ the time. She hardly eats, she's exhausted, so I guess she doesn't sleep much either. It's bad, Dr. Shepard. I know she's with Finn, but she's clearly upset about whatever's going on. So maybe it would be better if you just went back to not bothering her at all. She's had enough from you."

A painful knot has settled into my stomach and the color's left my face. Cries all the time, hardly eats…it had taken me nearly a week to stop obsessing over the look Mer had given me to day of the fight in the lobby, and now, after doing my best to avoid her in case there _was _something I was doing to cause the problem, I'm hearing that she's apparently been getting worse.

"Dr. Yang…I have. She told me the same thing, the day in the lobby, before her fight . She told me it was better when we weren't talking and…I haven't talked to her since. Except during rounds, just regular medical stuff."

"Right. You're the only one who's ever gotten her like that. There's no point in lying, I just thought you should no what you're doing to her. If you care about her at all-"

I'm starting to feel a little pissed. And more than a little worried. "_Cristina_. I love Meredith. Okay? I don't want to see her hurt anymore, I know I've done that enough. I haven't _done anything."_

A flicker of self doubt momentarily clouds her angry expression, but then it's right back in place. "Whatever you say."

She's gone, and I'm left thinking about her words describing Meredith's current emotional state. A chill hits me…what is it that's making her like this?

X X X X X X X X X

I go to Joe's that night, glad Addison got pulled to a late surgery so she's not there to insist on joining me. I head for the bar, but see Meredith and her friends there. Cristina gives me a withering look over Meredith's shoulder.

I opt for a small table that still puts them in my line of sight.

I watch Meredith for awhile, which does not escape the notice of Joe, who shakes his head a little at me, giving me a knowing smile. "Where's Addi tonight, Doc?"

"Surgery." I mutter absently, my eyes still glued on the back of Meredith's head.

"You two have another fight or something?" I glance at him, confused, then see he's looking at Meredith, too. He doesn't mean me and Addison.

"No, um, we haven't talked much lately. Why?"

He shrugs. "She just seems…sad."

"She been like that for long?"

Joe shrugs again, looking a little uncertain about talking to me about it. "Don't know, man. She hasn't been in much. Not even with her friends." He slaps me lightly on the back and sits the drink down in front of me. "Enjoy, pal."

I murmur a thank you. My concern is mounting, and somehow I get the idea in my head that I should just get her on her own, and ask her what's wrong.

After about fifteen minutes, she gets up and heads to the bathrooms in the back. Without really thinking, I rise and follow her. Outside the restrooms, I hesitate a moment…should I wait or just go in? Feeling completely pathetic, I turn the knob on the women's restroom and step in.

Meredith's standing at the sink right in front of me, and she gives a cry of surprise and spins around. Her jacket is clutched in her hands, and she's wearing a tank top. In a split second, she's hastily pulling the jacket on again, but she's not fast enough.

Her arms are covered with dark bruises and cuts. Just like the one on her cheek that's been there for a _while_.

A series of images flash through my mind, faces of her and Finn and Cristina, bits of conversation and suddenly I _get _it.

And for the first time since she walked off and left me at prom, I feel like crying.

**Okay, the hard part's over. Seriously, I was always very clear about what's happening after this, but the hard part was writing until Derek found out. I know I've been a terrible updater and don't deserve great loyal readers (yes, I'm kissing ass a little) but I really hope you take the time to review. Please tell me everything you liked or didn't like, etc. Thanks for sticking with me.**


	4. How to Save a Life

**Thanks for the awesome reviews, everyone! You so rock. Sorry it's been a little longer than planned, but my stupid school has exams AFTER Christmas break, which has been pretty time consuming. Um, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for my blatant over use of the song "How To Save a Life" by The Fray, which is almost always used in my writing somehow as a chapter title or in one case the story title. I love that song, and it fits this part well. Especially the first verse, which I used in the beginning lyrics, and note that I shamelessly changed the pronoun from he to she so it fits Meredith and Derek.**

**So, on this chapter: I used more Derek than Meredith here, a good bit more actually, because I want to show his perspective as he comes into this situation Meredith's in. This chapter started off easy to write (the bathroom aftermath), then got really difficult, then became simple again. Strange, I know. Anyway, I appreciate any and all feedback, keep the great reviews coming. I want to know what you like, what you don't, etc.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter Five: How To Save a Life**

_Step one, you say we need to talk  
She walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
She smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As she goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame   
And you begin to wonder why you came_

_Where did I go wrong? _

_I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness._

_And I would have stayed up with you all night_

_had I known how to save a life._

_How to Save A life, The Fray_

Meredith

He _knows. _Derek knows, in the split second between seeing his face in the mirror above the tiny little sink in the bathroom of Joe's Bar and almost jerking my jacket back over my arms, Derek sees the bruises, and he suddenly _knows._

I was being stupid, coming in here and taking off my jacket, but the bar was crowded and warm and suffocating. I hadn't even realized Derek was here, which is almost incredible.

The look on his face is just like I imagined it, so many emotions crowding in at once. Twinges of shock and fury and maybe guilt pass over, but the main thing I see is sorrow, and the way he's looking at me breaks my heart. I want to melt against him and cry and listen to him tell me it will be okay. I want, in other words, to make like a Lifetime movie and let this be the moment where things take a turn for the better.

Instead, I stand in front of the cracked porcelain sink and stare at him, paralyzed with the shock that he _knows_.

He's moving toward me, and his hands take the sleeves of my jacket, a determined, purposeful look on his face and he slowly peels the sleeves from my arms and stares.

There's an excruciatingly long moment of silence before he finally speaks, his voice low, "He did this?" As he speaks, his fingers gently touch the skin near one of the larger bruises.

I nod mutely.

The muscles in his face tighten and his eyes flash with rage, but it fades when he finally meets my eyes, and that sadness his back. He opens his mouth, seeming to know that he should speak but not finding the words. His hand drifts to my face, touching my cheek lightly.

"How long?"

I can't hold his gaze for this. I look away, suddenly feeling the beginnings of tears. "A few…a few weeks after the prom he started."

Derek makes a weird, strangles sound and mutters something that sounds a lot like "fucker" under his breath.

"Derek…"

"_Why_?" It's desperate, the question, and I don't even know what's he's asking. Why Finn does it, why I'm still with him…

I try to speak and find my voice doesn't quite work the way it should "Why…why what?"

He looks at me with an agonized expression, moving closer to me. Then he says the last thing I expect. "Why didn't you tell me? You know I would have been here…"

I stare at him in surprise, then slowly recover and search for the answer, how to verbalize what I've felt. "I was…scared." My voice cracks. "I've been so scared, Derek…"

He doesn't need further encouragement. He puts his arms around me and pulls me against him, and I can tell he's taking extra care in making the touch gentle, but I honestly can't care less how tightly he holds me.

I cry a little, into his chest and he strokes my hair. I don't even know if the tears are happy or sad ones…because this is the safest I've felt in a long time.

"It's going to be okay, Mer." His voice is soft, intimate; the way it used to be. So different than the past few months of either complete indifference or, recently, forced cheeriness, laced with the desperation of a person trying too hard.

Then his voice takes on a note of fierceness. "He's not going to do this anymore, Mer. Not again."

I love that he says this, but there's no way that I believe it. After all, this safe feeling in Derek's arms will not last. In fact, it will be over sooner rather than later; Finn didn't prevent me from coming to Joe's tonight, but it's understood that I'm to go to his house at a "reasonable hour". And Derek will have to go back to the trailer (the trailer he still lives in, in spite of his declaration that he and Addison would move).

But for now, I let him tell me.

"We'll figure it out, okay?"

_We_. It's honestly the best thing he could say right now, and it's obvious that he did so automatically. The fact that there's an _us _again, in any way, added to the fact that I'm no longer just _me _figuring it out alone…the combination makes the simple word the most perfect thing ever.

I've stopped crying, but I don't move my face from his chest, not yet.

Finally, though I make myself withdraw just slightly, just enough so I can look up at him. I notice for the first time that his eyes are unusually bright; he presses his thumb to my cheek and gently wipes away the stray tears. I'm drowning in his gaze, and at the moment I can't remember ever being more in love with him.

I love him for looking at me like that, for making me feel safe for the first time in a while, and I love him for not asking me any of the multiple questions that I'm sure he's wondering.

There's a lot I want to say to him right now, starting with "I'm sorry." But when I open my mouth to speak, those words won't form, and I end up whispering, "Thank you."

"Sssh. You don't have to. I haven't done anything…_yet_. But I swear, Mer, I'm not letting that son of a bitch near you again…" In just these statements, Derek's face has gone quickly from soft and loving to an expression twisted with fury.

Unfortunately, though, I can't pretend anymore that reality isn't still existing outside. "Derek…I have to go to his house tonight. Really soon, actually."

His eyes flash, and he responds instantly. "No. You're not going back there-"

"He's expecting it. If I'm not there soon, he gets…worse. He'll look for me at home, here, the hospital." I pause, then add quietly. "And I'm guessing you weren't planning on inviting me for a sleepover with you and Addison."

His mouth opens and then closes, and from the brief look in his eyes it's almost as if he's wondering how he could do just that. Then, regret takes its place.

"No, but…there's got to be somewhere…"

I shake my head a little. A few weeks ago, yes, just the idea that Derek knew would have made me defy Finn, drive somewhere else and hide out a little longer. But now, the deviance and aggravation have gone, and no part of me even considers putting up any sort of fight, direct or otherwise.

Derek keeps talking, looking almost desperate. "Go home, stay with your friends, they can keep him away if you just tell them what's going on-"

"_No_!" The sudden harshness in my voice startles me as much as it does Derek, and I quickly lower it. "Derek, promise me. _Promise_ you won't say a word about this, to anyone, you _can't-_"

He looks at me, doubt clouding his expression, looking for the first time very close to asking the questions, questions that start with _Why can't you just… _or _What if you…_ Questions I have answers to, but don't want to explain them, not right now.

But when Derek speaks again, his words slow and carefully chosen, he doesn't ask them. "Mer…I know you didn't mean for me to find out. If it was up to you, you'd still be on your own here but…it's better that I do. It will be better if your friends do. They can help-"

"No, Derek. They can't, Finn would know and he'd…" My voice dies in my throat, because _what _exactly he'd do I'm not sure. I just know it would be worse than now. "They can't do anything about this, so there's _no point_ in getting them involved, and it _would_ get back to Finn-" My voice is hovering somewhere around hysteria, and Derek puts his hands on my arms again.

"Okay, ssh. It's okay. They won't know." He's not convinced, I can tell.

"_Promise_ me, Derek. No one can know."

He nods again. "I promise." He hesitates. "Promise me something, too." I wait. "Don't shut me out. Don't think that because you didn't actually tell me I'm not going to do something. _Don't_ let this keep happening. It's late now but…we _are _going to talk about this. Maybe, maybe I can't help you tonight, if you're _sure _you can't go anywhere else. But tomorrow night? Next week, next month? _That _I can fix. This is ending, okay? I'm making sure. So what I need you to promise to believe me, and let me take care of you, okay?" There's a catch in his voice, and he's staring at me intensely.

"I promise." I whisper.

Derek nods, and slowly pulls me against him, his forehead bent to press against mine. "If he does anything…if you need me for something…_call_. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, who I'm with…" his voice falters a little here, because we both know who this is specific to. "…I'll be there. Promise me you will."

I nod against his chest, then slowly move away. "I've got to go."

He nods, looking incredibly guilty and worried about it. I want to thank him, again, but my throat's gone too tight.

I leave the bathroom and am almost surprised to see Joe's still crowded and noisy with the hum of conversation, to see my friends still sitting at the bar. Surprised this world had continued on, that Derek and I weren't the only ones living the last few moments.

I move to the bar to pay, wondering briefly if anyone saw Derek follow me to the bathroom. However, it was clearly crowded enough in the bar that none of them noticed anything.

"You okay?" Izzie asks.

"Fine. I stepped outside for a second. Needed some air." Cristina's looking at me skeptically, and my cheeks flush a little as I avoid her gaze. "I'm going to take off, okay?"

"To Finn's?"

"Yeah."

Finn's. That part of my world still exists, even though Derek knows and everything feels like it's different. Of course, Derek had said he was changing the rest of it. That he was ending it.

Part of my promise had been to believe him. So I'm believing him, and praying to God he's right.

Derek

I'm in a daze on the ride home. It's one of those rides where I get from one place to another without being aware of the in between, not even sure how I possibly focused enough to.

The thing is, I thought I knew about hatred. When I'd walked in on Mark and Addison together, I thought I hated them.

Hate's a strong word. You always get told that when you're younger, saying something about hating your sister or hating another kid in your class, and some adult's always there to tell you that 'hate' is a strong word.

I never really got the strength of it until now. And I can tell that I've never hated anyone before, not even Mark, because the hatred I'm experiencing right now is something I can physically _feel_.

He hurt Meredith. He _hurt_ Meredith. He hurt _Meredith_.

_My _Meredith. Because after all this time, I still can't think of her any other way. Finn shouldn't be touching her in _any _way, in my opinion, but _this_...

It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it happening, that it's been happening since barely after _prom _for God's sake, and especially thinking that she's with him right now.

She shouldn't be. I found out, and that means I'm supposed to be doing something. Not making promises about it, but actually _doing something. _Not sending her to his house.

I keep telling myself it was all I could do. She'd said he would be even worse if she got there too late (just the thought of that irrational anger makes my fists clench involuntarily), and before we figured anything out he could have found her.

I tell myself that, but it doesn't make me feel better.

Addison's not even back from the hospital yet. I go into the trailer without turning on any lights, kick of my shoes and lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, my thoughts swirling at a dizzying speed.

Some things are starting to make a lot more sense, and at the same time nothing makes sense at all. Meredith's expression in the lobby of the hospital, which I spent a week deciphering obsessively, is perfectly clear now. Cristina's accusation makes perfect sense.

What doesn't make sense is how this can be happening to her. When she'd left with _him, _ I thought I hated him then. Yet the small, self-destructive corner of my brain that has a bad habit of being _too _honest _too _often had told me that he was good for her. That part of the reason I hated it so much was because he had possibilities with Meredith, not like George or any of the guys she met at Joes.

_Good_ for her. Like hell he was. I hadn't seen it coming from him, and obviously Meredith hadn't either.

I think of the terror in her eyes earlier when I'd mentioned telling her friends; the same terror had been there in the lobby, and it breaks my heart that he made her like that.

The door to the trailer opens and Addison walks in, still in her scrubs. Flicking on the lamp on our bedside table, she sits on the edge of the bed and begins pulling off her shoes. "God, I'm exhausted. Long surgery."

I'm sure she told me what the surgery was earlier today, but I don't remember it. I reply with a distracted, low murmur that could mean any number of things.

She turns to look at me, a little annoyed, but the annoyance instantly fades when she looks at me. "Derek, what's wrong?"

_Everything._ "Nothing."

"Derek, come on. Something happened." Damn it. She's going to tell me to talk to her. _Communicate_. _Share_.

"I'm just tired, Addie."

"Derek, that's not 'just tired'. Please, just talk to me, something's clearly wrong…" There's an undertone of panic in her voice and I wish I could make myself smile for Addison's benefit.

"S'nothing."

"Derek, come _on_. I'm not an idiot, okay, so please don't treat me like one."

I wish she wouldn't do this: making it about her. She never used to be like this, deciphering every mood or facial expression I have into something about _us_, or even deciphering it at all. Not before Mark or Seattle or Meredith.

As much as I try to sound sincere and invested in this conversation, one I feel like we've had hundreds of times before, my voice is oddly detached. "No one's treating you like an idiot, Addison. It's been a long day, I'm tired."

"Really? Because you've…" she hesitates, and though I'm not looking at her anymore, I can feel the mattress move as she shifts her weight nervously. "You've been acting so…so damn _distracted_ for two weeks, and now…now I come to find you laying in the dark, looking like someone's _died _and you tell me it's been a long _day_?"

"Yes."

She sighs. I hadn't meant to sound like a smartass, but it was the obvious answer. She puts her hand on my face and turns it back to look at her. She gazes at me intensely for a moment, and it's as if her eyes are spotlights, because it's making me feel exposed and uncomfortable and generally pissed off, because Addison wants me here, in this conversation, but my mind is miles away at a house where I once took our dog (Meredith's and mine, that is, because Doc was always just _ours)_ in the middle of the night.

"Derek, I honestly…I don't understand what's happening here. We've been doing so well-"

"Have we?"

"Well, _I _thought so." It angers me a little, because the only thing that has changed is I haven't, until recently, been talking to Meredith. My enthusiasm for this relationship has hardly risen. "But now…you're slipping, Derek, and it's really too familiar…"

I can't listen to this. I can't listen and pretend to care when I can't think about Meredith and what might be happening to her now; how can I feel sympathy with my wife's concerns when I'm remembering bruises, cuts and fear, while I'm desperately wondering what I can do about it.

"Addie."

She stops her tangent and looks down at me. "What?"

"Can we do this another time? I'm sorry, but I didn't realize me being in a bad mood would provoke a 'state of the relationship' discussion, and I really am tired." This is a lie, because there's no way I could sleep like now, but I do need silence and darkness. I need to think.

Hurt fills her eyes, and maybe she wants to say something, but she opts for sighing again, and shooting me a sad, 'I give up' kind of look. She stands again, pulls off her scrubs and puts on the extra-long T-shirt she wears to bed, turns off the light and slides under the sheets next to me without another word.

The conversation with Addison instantly becomes a thing of the past; I'm not tempted to dwell on it.

Meredith, on the other hand…I can't stop thinking about her, and what _he _'s doing to her. And the more I do, the more my conviction that I _will _stop that from happening grows.

So begins another sleepless night.

I've had a lot of those, actually, since the Meredith and _his _fight in the lobby. Well, since prom. No, since Addison showed up.

And it hasn't been because Addison's with me. It's just because Meredith isn't.

I start thinking of patients I've seen at the hospital who have been victims of abuse by husbands or boyfriends. The ones where it's started out with just hitting, but ends with them in the OR with gun shots or stab wounds God knows what else happens when it gets out of control.

Thinking of this, beads of cold sweat start gathering on my forehead and I'm shaking.

My cell phone is on the bed side table and I make a blind reach for it. I've opened the screen and am about to dial when rational thought takes over. Finn's with her. I can't call, there's no telling what he'll do. Besides, that son of a bitch probably answers her phone.

I remember telling her to call me so I switch the phone from Silent to Loud before putting it back on the table with reluctance.

I close my eyes and slowly exhale a calming breath, telling myself that it will be okay _tomorrow, _that I'll see her at the hospital, she'll be fine, and it will all be over, because by _tomorrow _I'll have something figured out.

I just have to get through tonight.

After a couple hours of darkness, weariness slips in and I doze off only to wake up after what feels like no time at all, stricken by half dreams that are more like a series of brief images of Meredith and _him _and he's hitting her while she takes it, not crying until later, when she's alone, and later the images become worse, and _he _gets angrier and then she's lying on the floor, motionless, and all I know is there's blood…

When I wake up, shivering, I feel the bile rise in the back of my throat and I stumble awkwardly into the tiny bathroom and vomit.

The mattress squeaks a little from the other room and I stay completely motionless, crouched on the floor, my hands gripping cool porcelain. I'm shaking like mad, covered in cold sweat and fighting another wave of nausea.

After a few moments when I'm certain that Addison isn't getting up, I flush the toilet and stand shakily, walking through the trailer, grabbing my keys and a coat.

Once I'm outside and in the car, I start the ignition, a kind of pounding sound in my ears. I haven't even stopped to think about where I'm going; there's no question.

I'm breaking every speed limit and doing rolling stops at intersection, and I can imagine how great it would look for the cops to pull me over right now; barefoot, rumpled clothes and breath smelling of vomit, but I don't care.

The brakes screech when I pull up to the curb in front the house and I stare at it. It's completely dark and for a moment that calms me. But then, who's to say if any outward signs of disturbance would be visible.

I roll down my window a little bit and listen hard, the night outside the car as silent as inside. It assures me, at least a little, for some reason, that things at least _seem _normal. My headlights are still on and I look at the house, at _his _car in the garage and hers behind it in the driveway…

I sit there for about fifteen minutes before putting the car in drive and leaving the street, trying to ignore the pointlessness of the trip.

It's a little after four in the morning when I get back, noting to my relief that Addison apparently hasn't stirred and that, to even more relief, _tomorrow_ (the tomorrow that doesn't begin with the clock and a strike of midnight, but the tomorrow that happens with the sun and the beginning of work) is almost here.

Out of nowhere, something I said to her a long time ago, or at least what feels like a long time ago, echoes in my mind. I'd said at the beginning of this whole mess, the beginning of Addison and fights and hurting her and pain.

_It's like I was drowning and you saved me._

She had. I'd been drowning in bitterness and starting a new life feeling _detached_. Not caring about the new city or the new job or anything else. I'd been slipping. Then there had Meredith, who that first night was _just a girl in a bar_ but had turned into something so much more. Everything had changed, and I'd become invested in life again; she was something to hold on to.

She'd fucking _saved_ me and what had I done to her? Left _her _to drown in favor of my wife, the one who'd been the exact reason I'd needing saving.

Now she's with a guy who hurts her on purpose, who treats her like a child and doesn't give a _damn_, and I haven't spoken to her for most of the past month and a half even though I'm in love with her.

She's the one who needs saving now.

I don't go to sleep again for fear of the half dreams returning, but as soon as it's thirty minutes before the interns do their rounds, earlier than Addison or I have to get the hospital unless we have a surgery, I'm out of bed and gone.

I'm practically stalking the intern's locker room, only sometimes remembering to stare at the paperwork I'd grabbed from the nurse's station on the way in.

"Need something?" The voice startles me, and I turn to see Bailey shooting me one of her looks.

"Intern." I say quickly, without thinking about the fact that I don't even have a case yet.

"No one in particular, I'm sure." Her voice betrays the underlying sarcasm; she knows too well that I only wait outside the locker room when I request Meredith.

"If you don't mind." There's no need to clarify, and Bailey rolls her eyes a bit but nods before disappearing into the locker room.

I breathe a quiet sigh of relief when she comes out behind Karev and Yang, looking tired but otherwise fine. Well, not exactly fine, because her eyes are sad and dull and a lump rises in my throat unexpectedly and I have to look away for a moment.

When I look up again, Yang's giving me a warning look and I'm almost startled for a second until I remember our confrontation yesterday, and I'm struck by the knowledge of what's really going on, and the fact that none of them see it.

Bailey and the others slowly disappear and Meredith's standing in front of me.

I lower my voice. "How are you?"

"Fine, Dr. Shepard." There's a hint of warning in her voice; I'm apparently not supposed to go there yet.

"Mer…"

"Derek. Please."

"Did he…" My voice is low and instantly rough, and she interrupts before I finish.

"It really doesn't matter." She won't look at me.

"That answers the question."

She looks at me pleadingly. "Derek, please. Can we not-"

Frustration ebbing its way into my voice, I cut her off, "You're doing it!"

"Doing _what_?"

"Exactly what I had you promise not to. Shutting me out. You can't, Mer, not when I've been up the entire night worried-"

"I'm not shutting you out, Derek, it's just…it's just something Izzie said."

I look at her, confused. "What?"

"She asked me…just now, in the locker room…she wanted to know why I didn't have lunch with Finn yesterday. Since he was here. At the hospital." She looks up at me, her eyes wide, but I'm not really understanding. I'd seen her, yesterday, eating with her friends.

"I don't…"

"Derek, I _didn't know he was here yesterday_! I didn't invite him, I didn't see him but Izzie did and that means…" Her voice, which had been a strange high pitched whisper, falters.

I get what it means and I nod slowly.

"If he even knows I'm working with you, he'll make tonight hell for me-"

"Not even an issue." I interrupt instantly, glad for an excuse to move on. Meredith's looking at me like I'm crazy, so I hurriedly continue, "You're not going back there tonight. You shouldn't have last night…"

"_Derek._" She keeps looking around me.

"Jesus, Mer…" I push open the locker door and nod for her to come in.

"Don't we have a patient?"

I almost smile. "No, not yet. Don't worry I'm sure one will come in."

Her lips twitch almost unnoticeably, but then she's shaking her head a little and following me into the now empty locker room.

I start right up again when the door closes behind us. "You aren't going back there tonight. Or at all, actually. I said that last night, and I'm serious this time. _Not again_, Mer."

She shoots me an agonized look. "Just don't go? You really think that never occurred to me, Derek? I'm not an idiot." She's the second woman in the past 12 hours to tell me that last statement, and hers hits me harder.

"I know, Mer. I know you're not. But-"

"No but, Derek, you don't get it. What do you think, my self-esteem is so fucking low that I stay with him anyway, _by choice_? You think I'm so delusional that I think this is some phase?"

"No, of course I don't…" I'd never even thought about it, honestly: why she was with him. The why didn't seem important.

"Good, because I'm not." Her voice is small suddenly, almost child-like, and lined with defensiveness. "I'm just…scared of him. Really scared of him. You know, I…" She laughs a little, a high, frightening sound. "I tried to break up with him once."

"What…what happened?"

Her eyes darken and her eyebrows knit together. "We were in the basement here, and I told him I couldn't do it anymore and he said…he said I was damn well going to, and that things would change, _right?_ When I didn't answer, _couldn't _answer him, he…" Her voice is barely audible and she's avoiding my eyes. "…he jerked the gurney I was sitting on out from under me and I hit my head on the window sill so…yeah."

I'm almost choking on rage now, and rage at the scene she's just described, because I can almost see it happening and it makes me want to kill _him_. Then I look at Meredith, and her eyes are shining with tears and the rage is shoved aside in my concern and sadness. It's strange, the sudden shift of equally intense, but decisively different emotions that keeps occurring.

"God, Mer…" I move toward her a little, my hands stroking her hair.

She meets my eyes for a moment, then looks away, hurriedly speaking again, "You can see now, it's not that easy."

"Maybe not, but…there are things you can do, Mer. You know that. Call the police on the bastard, get a restraining order until you can take him to court."

She dismisses this, though. "Yeah, a restraining order. That makes it illegal for him to get near me. It doesn't actually stop him. Finn isn't rational, Derek, he's proved that. You should see the look he gets…" She cringes a little. "If they delivered him a restraining order in a court date, he'd go…crazy. He'd been in trouble anyway, and even if he wasn't, he wouldn't think about it…he doesn't _think._ And I…I honestly don't know what he'd do."

I'm reminded of past patients again, and I wince.

Meredith continues, gazing at me imploringly. "I've thought about all this, Derek. I have. The only thing I can come up with is leaving town, and that's…that's just letting him take even more than he has, any more than he could. My job, my friends…_you_."

I nod slowly, hating even the thought of it. Meredith, not here. And I hate _him _even more just because he has the potential to drive her away from me.

I can hear the blood pounding in my ears, searching for something else. I'd been so sure, last night, that if today go here I could save her, but it was harder than I'd thought.

After an excruciating moment of silence, it hits me. The answer was one that I'd probably intended on suggesting all along, the one I'd probably known would have to happen. I meet her eyes, and am about to tell her when my pager beeps.

I glance down at it, and mutter tersely. "Damnit. Incoming trauma…" I look at her. "We have to go. But we can still…I mean, I want to finish this. Later."

If she wants to protest, she doesn't give any indication. "Okay."

We leave the locker room and head for trauma, and I can't help but enjoy the feeling of just being around her, seeing her, knowing that she's alright; it's certainly a welcome feeling after last night.

We get down to trauma and one of the nurses gets my attention and Meredith and I go over to the gurney just now being wheeled in by two paramedics.

I look down; it's a female in her late twenties, her eyes closed and her face ashen. Meredith's eyes stay on the patient, but I shoot a look a the paramedics. "What do we got?"

"27 year old female Kate Burton, 2 GSWs to the back, entry only, appears to be lodged in the lower and upper spine."

I nod and face the nurse. "I'm going to need spinal CT, let them know we're coming."

As the nurse walks off, one of the paramedics adds, "She's also got pretty severe bruising all over her body. Her boyfriend…he's the one who shot her, I'm guessing he did that, too."

A wave of nausea sweeps through my entire body as I stare at him, then a the patient then at Meredith. She's looking at me, too, her face set, her eyes bright.

_Fuck._


	5. Lips of An Angel

**So, I have a ton of groveling and apologies and stuff to give you guys for not updating in awhile (involving new semesters and ski trips and general writers block) but I'll keep this short and sweet. I'm sorry. I suck. But (hoorah) the next chapter will be faster because it's already partially written. This one was hard to write at the beginning. But I'm hoping it was worth the wait. Because a lot happens. Things get twisted around. Things change. And I got to write two of the scenes I envisioned when I first came up with this story. So yay! Please review, they are my crack…I'm kind of a long review whore, obviously, just because I like in depth critiques and like to know what people liked (or didn't like most). Okay, so that wasn't so short. Anyway, happy reading (and reviewing!)! **

**Chapter Five: Lips of An Angel**

_Honey, why you calling me so late?_

_It's kind of hard to talk right now_

_Honey, why are you crying, is everything okay?_

_I gotta whisper cuz I can't be too loud._

_Lips of An Angel, Hinder _

Meredith

Derek's voice is far away, he's talking about things like getting a CT, but I'm staring at the patient.

She's got bruises all over her body, some new and some not. Her boyfriend did it. And he shot her. _Twice._

But that doesn't mean it has anything to do with _me_. It's not the same.

It's _not_.

I numbly follow Derek across the ER to take the patient (_Kate_) for a CT, check where the bullets are lodged in the spine.

Another woman, who's maybe 29 and looks frantic, comes running up to us. "Kate? Oh, God, is she going to be okay? Is she-"

"Who are you?" Derek interjects.

"I'm…I'm her sister. Taylor. Is she…Oh, God…she told me he'd stopped…"

"What?" Derek's attention is caught now, and he looks at the woman for the first time. The warm, calming look he usually uses for patients and their families is completely gone, and his eyes are cold and hard.

"Todd…her boyfriend. She'd said he'd stopped all th-this…"

"You mean you _knew _he hit her before? And you _let _her stay with him?"

The woman's voice is timid. "She said…she told me he'd…"

"_Real _smart.", he snaps at her.

I stare at him, shocked. We don't talk to patients or their families like this. It's just _not _done. Even if it's obviously their fault, we don't tell them that, not while they're scared and guilty. I've never seen Derek act like this.

"Derek, don't…"

"Come on."

We get Kate into one of the small rooms in trauma and start taking her vitals. Her sister stands behind us until a nurse enters. "Excuse me, are you the sister?" A quick nod. "The police want to get a statement."

She shoots a frightened look at Derek before following the nurse out of the room.

He turns to look at me, and there's something too significant in the look and I instantly move my eyes to the patient. Looking at her, however, isn't much better. She looks small and beaten and alone.

But it's not _me._

Except that, for the way Derek's looking at me, it's pretty clear he sees no difference.

I feel like I'm suffocating, from the looks he keeps giving me and the sick knot that forms in my stomach every time I look at this girl.

I start to back out of the door, almost without noticing it; I need out of this room. Derek meets my eyes instantly. "Dr. Grey?"

"I'll…I'll go tell CT we're coming." My voice fumbles to find an excuse to leave.

"I told a nurse to do that." He replies bluntly, his eyes telling me he knows what I'm doing, and he won't let me. He seems to think I need to be here, like there's something I should be getting out of this situation. He's obviously not cooperating with my _this has nothing to do with me _line of thought.

I look away again, stammering something about being sure, but he shakes his head. "We'll be taking her down in just a moment…" His voice trails off and his eyes dart to the heart monitor we just hooked up. "Shit…" I follow his gaze and see her heart rate is dropping. Rapidly.

The nurse in the room with us moves toward her and begins manual CPR, and Derek's moving, too. "Dr. Grey, call a code!"

Something in my brain registers his voice but not the words. I stand stock still, numbly staring at the falling neon lines on the heart monitor.

"Dr. Grey!!"

The beeping, no longer rhythmic and steady, seems unnaturally loud and I feel the knot in my stomach tighten and for a split second I'm sure I'll be sick.

"MEREDITH!"

The nurse pushes in front of me and I'm vaguely aware that she's pushing the button to call the code team.

They're there almost instantly, and I stand back a little more, watching.

Everything's a blur, but it takes two shocks to her heart and the beeping returns to normal.

Derek looks at me again, and he seems shaky and pale. It takes everything in me to not move my gaze from his, but I don't.

We look at each other for a long moment, then he finally speaks. "Let's get her to CT."

I nod wordlessly and help him wheel her out of the room. Derek doesn't look at me again until we're in the CT imaging room and the technician steps outside for a moment.

When he turns and looks at me, he still doesn't speak and I can't read the expression. So I break the silence. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I…I froze up." I wait. "I just…I couldn't…" My voice trails off, because he's just looking at me and I don't know what he's waiting for me to say. So I blurt out, in a panic, "You shouldn't…you shouldn't have yelled at her sister like that." His expression changes, just slightly, as a bit of surprise enters his eyes; he wasn't expecting that. "She felt bad enough…"

"I know, Meredith, but…" He sighs. "Do you _see_ it? What happened to her, that's…he _shot _her."

"I know that, Derek." I feel the heat rising to my cheeks under the sudden intensity of his stare.

"_Twice_. He shot her twice…and I've…I've seen it before, you know? Abuse…" I almost wince at the word; it's one I've been avoiding. It sounds so strange and foreign, not something that applies to me. "Abuse that leads to shooting and stabbing and _death. Death,_ Meredith."

"I _know_!"

"Well, I'm not letting that happen to you." His words are forceful and determined. "You're not going back there."

"You already said that." I don't want to talk about this anymore. I want to be just a surgeon right now, not someone who can learn some twisted lesson from a patient.

"Well, I meant it. You're going to file a restraining order against him until you can take him to court." I start to protest, to restate my argument about how a restraining order will make him go crazy, but Derek doesn't give me a chance. "And I'm going to stay with you every second you need me to until he's locked up." With that last statement, his eyes show a certain glowing triumph.

I'm a little taken aback by the suggestion, and I can't keep the anger from ebbing its way into my voice. "Yeah, and how do you expect to do that? Tell Addison you're going on a little vacation? Tell her you have body guard duty 24/7?"

Before he can reply, the door opens and the CT Tech guy comes back in. We're standing in the back of the room, away from the monitors, and he gives us a strange look. "Results not up yet?"

Derek moves closer instantly. "Um, yes. They are."

I move to stand behind him, but I'm not looking at the monitors. I'm thinking about what Derek said. Because it's what I want. I want him with me all the time, for that safe feeling I had in the bathroom at Joe's last night to stay with me for longer than fifteen minutes.

But it's impossible.

Right?

"…surgery if we want to prevent paralysis."

I snap back to reality when he looks at me, presumably to make sure I understand whatever he's talking about, something about the location of one of the bullets and the need for surgery. I nod, hoping the expression of my face is one of utmost concentration.

"How soon can we get an OR?" Derek demands of the technician.

"OR 2 should clear up in an hour."

"Excellent. Let them know, please."

He makes a motion with his head and we move out of the imaging room. Neither of us have spoken when Cristina and Izzie come up behind me. "Hey."

"Hi."

They both glance briefly at Derek, then Izzie speaks. "Are you working or can you come eat?"

"Um, I can eat." I glance at Derek for confirmation and he nods a little, looking a little disappointed, like he had something to say. "Surgery in an hour." I follow them off, shooting a glance back at Derek, Cristina chattering away.

"I have a valve replacement with Burke this afternoon. What do you have, something good?"

I open my mouth to answer when a voice behinds us interrupts, grumbling, "Yang gets a valve replacement and I'm still stuck with the Gyno-Beast." Alex moves a little quicker to catch up with us. "Where's the justice?"

Cristina's laughing loudly. "Ah, the Vagina Squad. You know, it could not have happened to a better guy, Alex. I mean that sincerely."

"Shut your pie hole, Yang."

We walk to lunch, Cristina and Alex bickering the whole way, and I make a decision to savor the normal. Savor the moments that have no reminders of Finn.

This doesn't work too well, because all I can think about it what Derek said. Because a part of me is hoping against all logic that he has a plan.

George meets up with us outside and we sit at a table while they chat cheerfully about cases they're on and hospital gossip, while I sit there quietly contemplating words and promises and plans.

I think maybe they don't notice I'm completely silent, but then decide they just find the silence comparatively better than bouts of crying or unexplained anger, which is what they've been getting a lot of from me lately.

After awhile, though, Cristina turns to me. "So you're surgery. Any good?"

I blink stupidly at her, then recover. "Oh. GSW to the spine. Two, actually."

George looks up from his sandwich. "I heard about that in the ER earlier. The police were there, weren't they? Her boyfriend shot her."

Izzie makes a disgusted face. "Nice."

"Heard she was covered in bruises, too. Right, Mer?" He glances at me for confirmation, and that knot is returning to my stomach, because this isn't the reminder free escape I want.

"Yeah. Pretty bad." I glance around, looking at no one in particular until I see Alex, who's giving me that same hard, knowing look. As soon as I meet his eyes, I instinctively avert my gaze, realizing too late that this is a dead giveaway of guilt. Then all of sudden, I'm talking far too loud and far too forced, "Anyway, we're operating soon. I should probably go, help prep. You know."

Cristina just rolls her eyes, but George and Izzie look at me strangely, and I won't even look at Alex anymore.

I walk off to rejoin Derek in prepping the patient, but thanks to nurses we're not alone again. We take her into the OR on schedule.

On our way, Taylor, the patient's sister, approaches us warily. Her eyes are bloodshot, and she's wringing her hands worriedly in front of her. I can't help but feel extremely sorry for her; her eyes are ridden with guilt and I'm suddenly glad none of my friends know about Finn. I don't want them to be responsible for this.

Her voice is shaky as she addresses Derek. "Dr….Dr. Shepard, right?" He nods curtly, his eyes hard. I want to tell him to stop, to not take it out on her…the anger whirling in his eyes is surely not solely for this woman in front of us. "Dr. Shepard, I…you were right. I knew he…I knew what T-Todd used to do to her but…she didn't mean for me to find out and when I did…she was so scared." The woman's voice breaks and she's obviously fighting sobs. "Kate…Kate was so scared of him, of what he'd do if he found out we knew…she told me…she told me not to do anything. And then she told me he'd stopped it, that they were better." She closes, her eyes, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I believed her and…this is my fault, it's my fault…she's my baby sister and I'm supposed to…I'm supposed to look out for her but this is all my…"

Her hands go to her face and I sneak at look at Derek. His expression is slowly softening.

"Please…_please _do everything you can for her. Because it's my fault, and if she dies…" She's sobbing now, and my chest tightens painfully. "Please do everything you can for her. _Please_, Dr. Shepard…"

Thankfully, Derek's normal, compassionate nature takes over and he puts his hands reassuringly on the woman's arms, his eyes devoid of all anger. "I'm going to do everything I can for you sister, okay? I promise you that."

She nods wordlessly, giving Derek a quick hug of gratitude, then shooting the gurney with her sister on it one last look before we wheel it away.

Swallowing against a lump in my throat, I glance up at Derek briefly, and see that his eyes are bright. We continue to the OR in silence.

Surgery is supposed to be the ultimate distraction. Everything is supposed to disappear. Today, though, it's not working. My head is pounding as swirls of images work themselves around my mind: the patient, her sister, Derek's hard expression, Alex's look at me, Derek's determined look earlier when he was talking about his plan…it's getting to be too much.

I know one thing, though. We _have _to save this woman, Kate. She can't die because of this, because of being scared. Her sister can't be left feeling guilty for the rest of her life because she believed it.

Maybe if we can save her, there will be some sort of hope. She'll be okay, her boyfriend will go to jail…and I can see things work out.

I can't see it end in the worst case scenario. Not now.

Derek's working with an even more fierce and determined intensity than usual, and something in his eyes tells me he's thinking the same thing.

Derek

We've been at it for two and half hours when it happens.

I've been working with an intense drive, the incessant _need _to save this particular woman stronger than usual. The guy who did this to her…he's just like _Finn_. And if this surgery is unsuccessful, he'll have killed her.

I can't let that happen.

I need the control. I need to know that there's something I can do for her, just like I need to know I can do something for Meredith. The Plan has formed in my mind, all of it, but I can't make myself look past the set up, past the basics. I can't let myself think of what could go wrong.

I need to know I can control it.

But after two and a half hours, the surgery, the seemingly flawless, complication free surgery takes a turn.

"Dr. Shepard." A scrub nurse says, sounding alarmed, "Her pressure's dropping."

"What?" My head snaps up and, glancing at the monitor, see that she's right. "Shit…" I turn to Meredith, who's staring wide-eyed at the monitor. "Grey, push one of epi."

I'm worried for a moment that she'll freeze up again, but she's already moving before the command's out of my mouth.

"Epi in."

"Nothing!" This is one of the nurses.

My pulse is racing and my breaths are coming out in ragged gasps.

"She's coding…"

"Roll her on three. Careful…"

Chest compressions, manual CPR…it has to work. I can't lose this patient, not _this _one…

But the long steady beeping of the heart monitor doesn't stop.

I'm exhausted and my muscles are aching when a nurse finally says it for me. "Doctor, you need to call it."

I let my hands slowly relax, pull my arms away from the patient and let them hang on either side of my body. I stare at the monitor for another moment before finally saying in a heavy voice, "Time of death 5:42." Angrily, I rip the mask off my face.

I hate this kind of death. The kind that you can't explain, that you can't see coming. It happens. Patients crash. Usually inevitable. But I hate it. And this makes it worse.

I turn around, ungluing my eyes for the monitor to look at Meredith.

She's no longer in the OR.

I walk out and look down the sides of the hallways and there she is, leaning against the wall, her eyes closed, trembling hands holding her scrub cap in front of her chest.

I lean against the wall next to her. Her voice is quiet and shaky. "Why did…why did that happen?"

I give her the medical answer. "We don't always…we can't always predict the extent of the damage. We can't always prevent or understand death on the table. It…it happens."

She turns and looks at me, her eyes swimming with tears, her voice barely audible. "I don't want that to be me."

"Mer…" A wave of anguish and heartbreak escape in that one syllable, and I pull her against my chest, not caring that the rest of the surgical team is starting to emerge from the OR. "It won't be. I _promise._"

A small clot of people are hovering awkwardly nearby, so after a moment I reluctantly let Meredith go.

We have to go tell the sister.

XXXXXX

Meredith comes with me, even though I tell her she shouldn't, that she doesn't have to.

Taylor, the sister, isn't alone anymore. There's a man with her, holding her hand. We walk up and any sort of words get caught in my throat when she gives me a fearful expression, still laced with hope. "Dr. Shepard?"

I feel horrible suddenly, horrible for yelling at her earlier, horrible knowing what was about to happen. "Taylor…I'm so sorry. There were…there was too much damage and she…she crashed and we did…we did everything…everything we could…I'm so sorry…" I'm rambling on, not wanting to get to the reaction.

The woman is staring at me, her eyes wide and haunted. The man is gripping her hand. There's several long moments of silence, then she heave a long shuddery sob. "NO…._NO_. Kate, not Kate she can't be…it's my fault…my…I shouldn't have let her…oh _GOD_!" The man wraps his arms around, muttering soft, soothing words, and I look away, then slowly turn and start down the corridor, Meredith behind me.

"She's going to have to deal with that guilt for the rest of her life…" I mutter quietly. Inwardly, I add to myself, _I'm making sure that's not me. _

I turn to Meredith. "Listen, Mer, I…

She shakes her head, a catch in her voice, "Not now, Derek, I can't…I'm not shutting you out, but…not now."

There's a pleading in her eyes that makes it impossible to refuse. "Okay."

We walk on in silence for a moment, and then Meredith ducks into the intern's locker room and I'm left in the hallway alone, wanting to follow her but not wanting to push her, so I walk down the hall, across from the OR board just in time to see my surgery being erased.

Suddenly, the weight I've been carrying around since last night (Jesus, was it only last night?) becomes physical and I lean against the wall and slowly slide down so I'm sitting on the floor, head in my hands, moaning softly.

I don't know how long I've sat there when footsteps slow and finally stop in front of me. Then, I hear Dr. Karev's voice. "Dr. Shepard? Are you…is everything okay?"

I don't answer, but laugh...a dead, empty, humorless laugh.

After a moment of hesitation, Alex is sitting next to me. I turn to look at him, and his expression is uncharacteristically serious. I'm fairly certain he's not just here to keep me company, so I just wait.

Finally, he says, "You lose your patient?"

I nod.

"Mer told me about her. Abuse, right? Boyfriend shot her?" Again, I nod. We lapse into silence, and since I'm staring straight ahead, it's several long moments before I realize Dr. Karev is scrutinizing my expression.

"_What_?"

His cheeks redden a little, and he looks away, but when he looks back, his expression is different; determined. "It's Meredith, isn't it?"

I stare at him, taken aback. "Wha-…What about her?"

"Her and Finn. I thought maybe…I see the way she looks when he comes here, and the way she's been acting...and the way you're looking about that patient…I saw you follow her in Joe's last night…"

I can only stare at him, shocked.

"It's true, isn't it? Finn's been…he's been hitting her. And she probably told you not to tell anyone, especially not one of us. Probably didn't even want you to find out." He stares at me imploringly. "I'm right, aren't I?"

I hear myself speaking without really knowing what I'm saying. "What do you mean you _thought, maybe_?"

"Well the way she'd been so depressed for a few weeks and then after that fight they had in the lobby, I thought maybe…I had a feeling."

My voice rises. "And you didn't do anything about it?!"

His eyes instantly narrow in defense. "I talked to her. Told her she could talk to me. It was just a _feeling_, man! You don't go calling the police or start confrontations with a feeling. You hope you're wrong. You hope you're misreading the signs, or maybe it's paranoia…" He trails off, looking down.

"You mean you…"

"My old man. He used to hit my mom. Beat the shit out of her, actually." He pauses. "But like I said…it was just a feeling." He turns to look at me again. "So you know?"

I nod slowly, knowing I'd promised Meredith not to tell but Alex had_ guessed_. He'd known. "Found out last night. In the bar."

"Oh." He exhales slowly. "She tell you anything?"

"Just that she's scared of him. Scared of what he'll do if he finds out someone knows, or if she tries anything to take him to court. She tried to break up with him once and he…" I shudder a little at the mental image of Finn pulling a gurney out from under Meredith when she couldn't answer him. "…he went crazy." Alex nods, but doesn't. I continue, "I promised her, though. I promised her she'll be okay, that she won't have to go back…I _promised_." The last time I say it, it's more to myself.

"So…how are you going to do that."

"She's going to file a restraining order until we can take him to court. And I'm going to stay with her. All the time. Make sure he doesn't come near her."

"_All _the time?"

"Yes."

A bit of Karev's characteristic smirk appears. "Addison will love that. How do you plan on working that out?"

I turn and look him in the eye. This is the first time I've said this out loud, and I'd have preferred it to be to Meredith, but this will work. I need to say it. Acknowledge. Show that I'm not entirely stupid, that I've thought this through more than he or Meredith seem to think. "I'm leaving her."

Alex stares at me. Then, recovering, says intelligently, "_What_?"

"Leaving her. As in divorce. Finished."

"For _this_?"

I glare at him. "For _Meredith_. Yes."

"Dr. Shepard that's…that's crazy. You don't need to get a divorce for a few weeks of making sure Mer's okay. I can…I'll stay with her."

"No." I say it instantly. "No, I will. I can." I look at him. "Karev, it's not as if I'm breaking up a perfectly blissful marriage for this. It would have happened eventually. Trust me. I _love_ Meredith. I'm in love with her. And I have been the whole time Addison and I have been back together. The marriage is dead. And both of us, we would have gotten sick of the pretending eventually, it would have ended. But I'm doing it now. For _Meredith_."

Dr. Karev looks away for a moment, seemingly considering what I've said. "Maybe…but I can stay with her. I don't mind. I can…you shouldn't get a divorce because-"

"Even if I _didn't_ want a divorce, Karev, I'm doing it. I told her I'd protect her. I'm _going_ to be the one to protect her."

He hesitates. "If you're sure man, but…no offense, but even if you are with her and he comes to find you…what are you going to do about it? Finn's a pretty built guy and you're…you're kind of scrawny."

I throw him a look, insulted. "I can take it. For Mer, I can take it. And anyway, I don't care what he does to me. She'll be fine. I won't let him near her."

He studies me for a few moments. "Okay." His pager begins to beep and he stands up. If you need help…"

"I know." I give him a half smile. "Oh, and don't…don't tell anyone else, okay? Izzie or Cristina or George…I promised her I wouldn't."

He nods. "Don't worry." He starts off down the hall.

"Oh, and Dr. Karev?" He turns. "I'm stronger than I look."

He rolls his eyes and smirks. "Sure you are, sir."

XXXXXXXXX

I'm wandering around the lobby a little later, looking for Meredith, wanting desperately to tell her The Plan. Give her some hope.

Then I spot her, talking to Cristina and Izzie. I walk over and approach them. "Me-um, Dr. Grey, could I speak with you?"

Cristina and Izzie exchange looks, and Cristina answers bluntly, "No. We're leaving."

I smile. "It's about the patient."

"Didn't your patient _die_?" Cristina retorts coolly.

"Um, yes. But…"

"It's fine." Meredith tells them, moving to follow me, but at that moment the hospital doors open and in walks the last person I want to see.

_Him._

"Meredith."

Fear darkens her eyes, but she forces a smile. "Finn. Hey." I look at her, the terrified expression, and a hot wave of fury hits me, just looking at him, and the hatred, the physical, all consuming _hatred _is stronger than ever.

"Ready to go?" He nods at the door. He hasn't looked at me yet, hasn't acknowledged my presence, but the way he's looking at Meredith makes it clear that he's aware.

"Actually, she can't." Considering the fact that I'm speaking through clenched teeth, the false cheerfulness actually comes off rather well. "She has follow-up on a patient of ours. Shouldn't be too long."

"Their patient _died_." Cristina puts in helpfully, and I wish she would just shut up.

"Different patient." I look at _him_, my mouth twisting into a smile but my eyes (I'm sure) still blazing with hate. "Nothing too complicated."

Meredith looks at him, too, her voice soft. "It won't take ten minutes, Finn. You can just wait here-"

He cuts her off, speaking to Meredith but his eyes trained on mine. "Why can't he just get one of the other interns to do it?"

"I…I've been on the case all day."

"I'm not really in the mood for waiting, Meredith."

I step closer to him. "She _said_ ten minutes. What's your problem, Dandridge?" When he was Doc's vet, I used Dr. in front of his name, but he doesn't warrant the title. When he was Meredith's boyfriend, I called him _Finn_. Now, something in me seems to be trying for a tough guy kind of sound. Last name only.

_He _doesn't back off. "You might be the one with the problem, _Shepard._ I see two other interns standing right there. Two interns without people waiting on them."

"Finn, I want to. I want to check on my patient. He's my boss, he's supposed to ask me-"

Still not moving his gaze, the volume of his voice increases. "Shut _up_, Meredith, and stop defending your adultery buddy over here." Somehow, over the blood steadily pounding in my ears, I hear Izzie gasp. Or maybe Cristina. "I don't care what you _want_, so shut _up _about it."

The level, calm tone of my voice evaporates. "Don't _talk _to her like that, you son of a bitch!"

"_Derek_…"

"What are you going to do about it, Shepard?"

Without thinking about, I take one step back to give the right amount of distance, and without a word, slam my fist into his cheek, all my strength into it in the vain hope that it equals anything he's ever done to Meredith.

My hand throbs with pain, but I barely feel it. He was taken by surprise and has fallen to the floor.

Amid a sudden commotion of gasps and thundering footsteps, I hear two voices. Two shocked, familiar voices. "_Derek_!" At the same time.

One's Meredith. The other is Addison.

Finn's getting up and presumably coming at me, but two sets of hands seize my shoulders and jerk me backwards..

"Let _go _of me…" I try to wrench from the grasps, which I can now tell are Dr. Burke and the Chief. "Get your damn hands off…." But they're firm, and the entire room has gone silent. Finn has a hand clamped on Meredith's shoulder and is giving me a look of shock that is obviously for the benefit of the audience gathered around us. Meredith's eyes are still wide with fear, Stevens and Yang are wide eyed with shock. Addison's pretty shocked, too, and looking at me like she doesn't recognize who I am.

"C'mon, Mer." Finn says loudly. "We're going."

"_No!_" I make another attempt to wrench myself free, but there's another pair of hands now (O'Malley's) and I can't move.

The Chief's voice is in my right ear and sounds absolutely livid. "You're coming to my office. _Now_."

But Finn and Meredith are walking out the door. "No, I'm not. Let go. Fire me if you want, Chief, but you can't let them leave…" I jerk my head at the two of them.

"Get a hold of yourself, Shep…"

"I said _fire _me if-"

"I'm not firing you. You're coming with me. _Not optional._" O'Malley lets go but Burke doesn't as the two of them practically drag me out of the lobby and toward his office.

We go by Addison and she stares at me but I can't care less. All I care about is that Meredith going with him. Again. And the anger Finn feels at me will probably be taken out on her.

I try desperately to lower my voice. "Chief, please. Let me go. If they leave, he'll hurt her. He'll _hurt _her, you have to let me…"

"You're hysterical." He barks impatiently.

I turn my head to look at Burke. "Burke. Preston. Stop her, at least try to stop her…get Cristina to…he'll hurt her if she goes with him…"

He shakes his head at me. "Cristina said you haven't been able to leave Grey alone."

"GOD_DAMN_IT! Not one of you is understanding me…" But by this time we're at Chief's office and I'm being shoved into a chair. Burke stands at the door and Chief calmly takes a seat at his desk and they're making me even angrier.

"I'm out of here…" I stand up but Burke steps in front of me and Chief rises again. I turn to Chief and indicate Burke, "What is he, some kind of fucking bouncer?" They're silent. "Look, I don't care what you do to me. Fire me. But let me go."

"Derek." His voice is too calm. I want yelling. "You need to get a hold of yourself. You're not thinking rationally."

"I'm plenty rational."

"You're _not_. This is the second person to get punched by you on my surgical floor. What this time, Derek? He didn't sleep with your wife. He's dating your _ex-_girlfriend. You let jealousy take control. So I need you to calm down."

I stare at him, frustration tearing away at my insides and making me want to hit Chief and Burke like I hit Finn. But I can see getting angry will do me no good. And telling them won't either, not now. She's with him. And Burke would tell Cristina and…I made a promise.

I close my eyes, take a few deep breaths, and with difficulty force my mouth into a smile. "You're right. I'm sorry. Can I please go now?"

"No." It's Burke. "Addison's outside. I think…I think she probably wants to talk to her."

"Good." I stand eagerly. "I'll just go talk to her." Anything to get out.

Chief shakes his head. "Sit down, Derek. Preston, let Addison in…" He opens the door and Addison enters warily. I shoot Chief a look, and he's standing up. "Use my office. Take some privacy." He nods. "I'll be right outside."

My fists clench as the door closes behind him and Burke and Addison leans against it, not making eye contact with me.

She's obviously waiting for me to jump in with some sort of explanation. But I don't care about giving her an explanation. So I sit there, waiting.

Finally, she says quietly, "Are you going to say anything, Derek?"

I shake my head. "Don't have anything to say. I want to go home. Now."

"I think you'd have something to say. Like why you punched Meredith Grey's boyfriend for an apparent reason in the lobby. And that's just a start! How about the fact that you refused to talk to me last night when all I did was be _concerned _about you? Or that you weren't home when I woke up this morning and I know you didn't have surgery scheduled? Or we could go all the way back to when you and Meredith were supposedly friends, yet that all ended the minute she got a boyfriend? Something you continually _refused _to talk to me about! I just, I don't feel like I know you anymore, Derek!"

"Fine. You don't know me. I _changed_. But right now I've got more important things to worry about."

"Like _what_? I know you've been worried about something, I can tell, why won't you let me in for once?"

"I _can't_. And I don't want to have this conversation here. I need to go." It's true that I have an incessant need to get out of this hospital, even though there's nothing I can do about Meredith being with him now. "We can talk later."

"It's always later with you Derek! We're always going to talk _later!_ Well, guess what, later never seems to come with us-"

I don't wait for her to finish this reply before heading for the door of the office and stalking past the Chief, past Cristina, Burke, Izzie and George who are talking at one end of the hall. I curse inwardly thinking about how if only Karev hadn't been paged, if he hadn't been on a case or whatever the hell he was doing, he could have helped me. He could have helped me stop her.

Addison's behind me all the way to the parking lot but I never look back.

XXXXXXXX

Tonight, I don't even bother trying to sleep. No use in it. I just know that tomorrow I'm finding Meredith and telling her about leaving Addison. I'll have to talk to Addison tomorrow, too, before we get off work, which isn't exactly convenient but she's sleeping now.

No more mistakes.

At three a.m., my cell phone startles me from deep thought and I grab at it. MEREDITH flashes across the screen and I open it instantly, my voice a whisper. "Hey, I'm here, hold on a second."

I'm out of bed in an instant and walk unsteadily out of the trailer, onto the porch. "Mer?"

"D-Derek…" She's crying, and I'm seized with deep hatred again, this time not for Finn but for myself.

"Mer…" My voice cracks with the one syllable. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, Meredith, God, I'm so sorry…" I hear her sobbing and my heart is dying piece by piece. "Ssshhh…sssh, it's okay…don't cry, Mer, please…" Tears well unexpectedly in my eye, and my voice takes on a low, rough tone. "Please don't cry, it'll be okay…I'm so sorry…"

"You shouldn't…you shouldn't…" She takes a deep breath and manages to choke out, "You shouldn't have done that, Derek."

"I know. I _know _but I just…I hate him so much, Mer, and I thought…I really didn't think you'd be leaving with him. That's why I wanted to talk to you…I know I shouldn't have, I know he probably made it even worse for you…"

"It's not _that _Derek! After all this, I can take another bad night from him, I don't care. But damn it, Derek…he already hates you!"

I'm confused by this. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not worried about _me_. Not for one night, I can…I can take it, but he already _hates _you, and now even more, and I don't want him to hurt _you_, Derek, not when I dragged you into this…"

"Hey, don't worry about me. I can take Finn."

"Yeah, in _fist _fight! He's not _rational _Derek, think of that girl today! Finn's just as likely to turn a gun on you as he is me right now. Maybe more so, after tonight. Derek what if he does something to you, what if you _die _and it's all because of me…" She's sobbing again, and I'm almost crying myself having to listen to this.

"Mer…Meredith? Don't cry, okay? I'll be fine. And if I'm not…I just want to make sure you're okay. You don't have to worry about me…"

"Yeah, I do. And that's why your plan…even if you could get around the Addison thing, it wouldn't work. He'd just get you first. And I can't live with that, so-"

"Okay, okay, slow down. Ssshhh. Calm down. Where are you right now?"

"Finn's bathroom."

I lower my voice, and begin speaking gently. "Okay. Then you need to be quiet, right? So no crying. And the plan? It will work. You think I'm going to be able to sit around and know that this happening to you? I'd go crazy. So I'm not leaving you, whether you like it or not. Because knowing you're getting hurt? I might as well be dying. I love you, Mer, and I'm not going anywhere."

There's a long silence on the line and then I hear it; she's crying again, softer and more controller, but still crying.

"Hey." I say soothingly, hating the distance because I just want to hold her. "I thought we said no crying."

"It's just…you never said that before." And it actually takes me a moment to realize what she means. It's absurd, never telling Meredith I love her, because it seems to have come to define me. I've told Addison. I've told Cristina. I've told Alex. But never Meredith.

"I do. I love you. I'm so in love with you it's crazy, and I have been for long enough to not be able to remember what it's like not loving you. But I should have said it before. I should have said it when you did. I should have said it a million times after I picked Addison. I should have said it after the bomb went off, that night at your house. And I should have said it at prom, when I asked you what it meant…I should have just known that it meant that I'm in love with you. So I'm sorry. I should have said it before, but I'm saying it now. I love you. And that's why I'm not letting you do this alone anymore. I'm not letting him hurt you."

There's silence again on the other end, and then she whimpers quietly, "Derek, I'm sorry…"

"For what?" The statement takes me by surprised; what does she have to be sorry for?

"For lots of things…Finn and prom and picking…I'm just sorry…because I…I love you too…"

Forget it. Tears are rolling down my cheeks and I whisper into the phone. "Don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about, okay?"

We sit there for awhile, silent, but not awkward or sad silence. I just want the connection, just love hearing her breathe…for now, that's fine with me.

Then I remember something else. "Mer? The Addison thing? I'm leaving her. So I can stay with you all I want."

Her voice is thick when she answers. "Derek, no! You can't get a divorce just to… to be my guard for a few weeks…"

"That's not why. Remember that 'I love you' thing? That's why."

"I don't…" Her voice trails off. "Oh, God…"

"Meredith, what? Meredith? Mer? MEREDITH?!" I stare at my cell phone. The words "Call ended" flash across the screen and my heart nearly stops.

But I don't have time to think about it, because a voice behind me startles me. "Secret phone calls in the middle of the night?" I turn and stare at Addison. "I think now would be the time for that talk. Not _later_."

**Woo. So. The Plan is out. Alex knows. Derek's rage pretty much got the best of him. So a lot happened. And a lot will keep happening. We're heading into some pretty eventful chapters. Very exciting. Hope you enjoyed this. I love you guys for reading! Review, please! **


	6. Fall Away

**So…I should probably apologize. But I won't. Because I was almost ready to post when Walk on Water aired. Then Drowning on Dry Land. And after both those eps, I could not write. I could not type the word "Meredith" without thinking "MEREDITH'S IN THE WATER" which led to all kinds of psychological problems and the strong desire to freeze myself until Thursday around 8:59 (well, okay 8:29, so I can watch The Office, too). Anyway. I especially couldn't write this particular story, because Meredith is in a fair amount of danger throughout it. And I didn't want to think about Mer in danger. Not when I had to walk around the halls at school chanting "It's called GREYS anatomy." to keep myself sane. **

**But then Some Kind of Miracle aired and I am okay now. Sure, I have to see the school psychiatrist once a week because of the chanting and stuff (it's okay, she's a fan, haha). But I can write again. And I will be updating very soon. Because my junior project is done. And I opted against soccer this year. So I have free afternoons. Gasp. And the next part is easy. It's my fave. It's halfway done. So hurry and review. This chapter feels short to me, but I liked it. I thought it'd be hard to write, but it kinda flowed once I got over my problems and sat down to do it. So…enjoy.**

**Chapter Six: Fall Away**

_You left something undone, it's now your rerun  
It's the one you can't erase  
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight  
To put a smile back on your face _

You fall away from your past  
But it's following you  
You fall away from your past  
But it's following you  
You fall away  
You fall away

_Fall Away, The Fray_

Derek

Addison is staring at me, all the anger and frustration that's obviously been building up for several weeks, particularly the last day or so, is raw and exposed in her eyes. All I can focus on, however, is the way Meredith's voice had sudden shifted to fear, the abrupt ending of the call…

When Addison had spoke, she'd startled me so much that the phone had slid from hands onto the porch, still open, the screen still illuminated and showing the ominous "Call Ended".

I'm struggling to my feet, my mind on getting inside to my car keys, but Addison's blocking the door to the trailer. "Derek, I'm serious-"

"So am I..."

"You can't keep walking away!"

I make myself pause and stare at her, desperately trying to show her how important it is, how serious I am. "Addie, I'm sorry, I really am, but something's wrong with Meredith-"

There's a bit of surprise on her face; maybe she hadn't expected me to openly admit that's who I was talking to, even though she'd obviously heard me yelling Meredith's name. "Are you sleeping with her, Derek?"

"What?" I finally look at her, but my attention fades again almost instantly. "No, I'm not…Addison, something's wrong-"

"Tell me _what _then?"

I'm about to push past her, no other words, when the ringing of my phone distracts both of us. It's still lying on the porch, and Addison's quicker at bending down then me.

"Addison, _don't_-"

"Hello?" Her voice is suddenly completely calm. There's a pause, she's obviously waiting. "_Hello_? Dr. Grey, if there was something you wanted-"

I make a grab at her hand and wrench the cell phone from her grasp. "Meredith?"

"Hey…" She sounds surprised, embarrassed, completely taken aback…but not scared. I feel my muscles slowly relax. "Sorry…I didn't…

"It's fine." I assure her quickly. "You're okay?"

"Yes. Sorry…I thought I heard him, but…he didn't get up."

Something about this statement makes cool relief hit me, and it's effect is weakening. "Okay…good…" I have to sit down again. "Good…"

We sit there in silence, and I forget about Addison, my _wife, _standing right behind me, but Meredith hasn't. "Sorry, again…you should go."

"Okay." I'm reluctant. I don't want to hang up the phone, not ever, but she's right. I _should_ talk to Addison. Her catching me in the middle of the night on the phone with Meredith, particularly after all that happened today, is something that needs talking about. Still, I stay on the phone.

"Derek, I'm hanging up now."

I sigh. "Okay. Call if you need me."

I wait a moment, making sure she really hung up, and then close my phone and make myself focus on Addison, who's expression has left anger and is simply one of extreme incredulity, as if this whole scene has been surreal.

I don't really know what to say, so I blurt out stupidly, "She's fine."

"I heard", she replies in a high pitched voice. It's as if she's too taken aback by the bizarreness that she can't think to question me. Overestimating the power of this, I smile at her and start to walk inside.

Addison takes old of my arm. "Oh, no. No. No, no no." She gives a short laugh. "You can talk to her, then you can talk to me."

It is only then that I remind myself that there _is_ something I have to talk to her about, something that will be far more appropriate to do here then tomorrow in the on-call room or something. "Okay. Let's talk." I sit down on the edge of the porch and indicate for her to do the same.

Addison's expression is still one of shock. "Really? You're agreeing to talk? Okay…" She sits next to me, opens her mouth and freezes. "I don't even know where to start. I've been wanting to have a conversation with you so many times…."

"Sorry," I mutter.

Addison turns to look at me, her eyes anguished. "_Are_ you sleeping with her?"

"No, I'm not, but…" How to do this? Start with prom? Just tell her I can't take it anymore?

"But?"

"But I love her." Feeling cowardly, I turn my face away from Addison's and stare off into space. "I'm _in _love with her. I know, I told you before. Last Christmas, but…I still am. I thought I could get over it, but I haven't. I won't. That's why I got so angry when she started dating…the vet. That's why I stopped being friends with her. That's why I've been so distant the past few weeks…well, longer than that, even…"

I let my voice trail off, hoping this is enough, but an excruciating silence stretches, and I don't know if Addison is waiting for more or if she just can't think of anything to say.

Finally, _finally_, she speaks in a strange, detached voice. "So what are you saying?"

I sigh. "I'm saying…I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend I don't love her. It hurts me, and it hurts her, it hurts _you_. This isn't fair to anyone. I want…I want a divorce, Addison. Not because of you, or because of Mark. Because of me. _Her_."

The silence doesn't last so long this time; after only a moment, Addison sobs softly, just once.

Forcing myself to turn and look at her, I tip her face to look at me. "I'm sorry it had to be like this."

She stares at me, and suddenly I get a glimpse of knowing in her eyes, a brief indicator of our eleven years together and the way she's learned to read at least a part of me. "You're not telling me something. Why _now_, why all of a sudden? What _happened_ over the past few weeks? You _changed_. You hadn't been great, but…"

It's my turn to choose silence. It's easier than answering, because I made a promise to Meredith. And besides, if I tell her about the bruises and Finn…if I tell her, she might say the same thing Alex and Meredith did. That there's no need for divorce for 'just this'. That I'm being stupid.

"Derek!"

My voice is low. "It's just been getting to me, that's all."

"That's crap, Derek, and you know it!" Her voice is shaking now, with either tears or anger. "You owe it to me to be _honest_ for once, even if it's _now_, at what is _apparently _the end of this…"

"I'm not _lying_!" I'm yelling now, trying to shake off my guilt, and suddenly we're both standing, facing off in the middle of the tiny porch.

"You _are_!" Addison's voice raises to match mine, but hers is genuinely angry. "You said earlier, you said something was wrong with her!"

"I thought it was!"

"Why was she calling?"

My face is burning, and I attempt to bring the volume of my voice down. "Why does this matter? I've just told you I want a divorce, and all you can focus on-"

"Don't say _all I can focus on_ like it's nothing, Derek! I want honesty from you, at least once, and I want to know why our marriage is ending after all the shit we've been through trying to save it…at least, _I _was trying to save it!"

"I told you the reason! I _love _someone else! Meredith. That's seriously not enough to end a marriage?"

"For most people, yes. It hasn't seemed to bother you until now."

Hot anger courses through my body. Hasn't bothered me? All that pain, the loss and the longing, and she says it hasn't bothered me? I know it's selfish and wrong to think it, but I can't help but get angry at her for not acknowledging the sacrifice I made when I chose her instead of Meredith. As if I somehow expect her to know everything I've kept from her, everything Meredith's gone through and is going through now.

During this train of thought, I realize something sickening, something I'd thought in passing before, but hadn't settled on. If I had picked Meredith, this wouldn't be happening. If I hadn't made a mistake back then, she would never have been with Finn. So I can hate Finn, and I can get angry at Addison but the truth is, the first person to screw up, the first mistake made to start this chain of events…was me.

The anger drains from me and I have to sit down again, rubbing my face with my hands and groaning.

"What? What is it?" Addison slowly sinks down next to me.

"Addison, I _want_ a divorce. This marriage…I can't fix it. But I can fix other things, bigger things."

"Bigger than our _marriage_?"

My voice is quiet, because I know the answer will hurt her. "Yes." After a pause, she sniffs audibly, and when I glance over, there are tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry about that, I am. But…you're right. Something's going on. With Meredith. But I can't tell you." Her head snaps up, and she starts to say something in protest, but I rush on. "I'm not having an affair. It's nothing I've done. It's just about her. But that's not why I want a divorce. I want a divorce because I love her. Because, in the process of trying to be a good guy, I've hurt her, and you. I promise, that's why. But something _is _going on."

Addison keeps her eyes locked with mine for a long moment, her eyes swimming with tears, then says, "You're serious?" I nod. She looks away, her jaw line set and her eyes suddenly fierce. "_Fine_." She stands and goes inside the trailer. I sit, motionless, and then Addison's back, standing over me, and she drops my keys and wallet unceremoniously onto the porch. "Now _leave_."

"Sure." I stand and take a few steps toward my car, all too glad to leave. I whirl around when a stupid thought occurs to me. "Just…just for tonight, right? Because I…I still want the trailer…"

A disgusted look taking over her face, Addison spats at me. "Like I really want to live in your fucking trailer in the middle of the _wilderness_. Like I _ever_ wanted to live here. I'll be out by tomorrow."

Not sure how to respond, I simply nod my head, watch her for a few more minutes. This is really happening. Maybe I should feel sad. I don't. I don't feel happy either. I can't make myself grasp the gravity of the moment.

I want Meredith.

Because part of me always felt that if I could only do this, only find the strength and courage and time to end it with Addison, I could have Meredith, and happiness would begin.

But it can't, not yet, because Mer is a long way from happy.

I get in the car and drive from away from the trailer, wanting to go to Meredith but unable to. Instead, I drive to the hospital and go to the on call room, lay down on one of the little beds and think briefly about sleeping.

But I can't sleep. Damn, I never sleep anymore. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to sleep again until I've got Meredith next to me, safe and happy.

My fists clench and unclench restlessly by my sides, and I feel the wedding ring. My right hand gripping my left ring finger, I slide it off and put in it the pocket of the coat I'd thrown on to go outside earlier, pleased at the foresight.

It's kind of a terrible thing to feel, but it's like a weight has been lifted. Like somehow, taking off the ring makes it obvious that there's nothing stopping me from being there for Meredith anymore.

This is it. I can do this now.

Meredith

My hands are trembling when I end the call with Derek and quickly delete the outgoing calls from my cell phone before closing it, turning it off first just in case. Actually, my whole body is trembling, out of either leftover fear from the noise I was sure was Finn coming toward the bathroom or shock from hearing Addison's voice answer the phone when I'd called Derek.

I close my eyes and lean against the bathroom door, putting my cell phone into my purse that I'd carried with me, covering my face with my hands. I briefly remember the beginning of my internship, when my biggest problems were roommates and the lack of surgery and the fact that Derek was an attending.

It almost makes me want to laugh, thinking back to when the fact that he outranked me at the hospital had seemed like such a big deal.

My eyes feel hot and raw from all the crying I was doing earlier. Finn had been angrier, maybe the angriest he'd been yet, with me tonight, and he'd let me know it, but that wasn't what was wrong. I'd fallen asleep next to him, out of sheer exhaustion, and woken in a cold sweat from a dream that felt real, one where Finn shot Derek while he tried to protect me.

It was that image that had stayed with me and provoked me out of bed, into the locked bathroom with a cell phone. Not that there was any question that he would be okay…Finn had been with me since leaving the hospital. Still. After a nightmare like that, I needed to hear his voice, needed to try to explain to him why he shouldn't be doing any of this.

He'd said he was divorcing Addison. Because he wants to protect me. Because he loves me. He'd actually said that. There had always been a part of me that refused to believe that he could.

The thing is, though, he doesn't get it. Derek's used to be the hero, I get that. But he does it in surgery. He's not used to being at risk while he saves other lives. And now…the rage in Finn's eyes when he'd looked at Derek earlier…there's risk.

He'd been raging about Derek tonight. _Raging_. Breaking things and punching the living room wall and throwing me against the wall, his face inches from my face, roaring about _that son of a bitch_ and how he wanted to kill him, calling me a slut for sleeping with him before going to his favorite tools: fists.

But it was all that talk about Derek that had gotten to me. It was hearing him say he would kill him that was filling me with terror that felt like it was caught in my chest, making it hard to breathe. I'm scared for Derek more than I've been for myself throughout this whole mess.

I think of that patient we'd had today, shot and dead on an OR table. At the time, I'd only been able to think of her as me. Now, I close my eyes, more tears forming because it could also be Derek. He acts so confident about staying with me all the time to keep Finn from doing anything…like he doesn't care what happens to him.

I don't let my mind dwell on the very possible scenario: that Derek could get killed doing that. That Finn could come in a rage after getting a restraining order and a court date, looking for me, and finding Derek with me.

Finn says he loves me. Not that I believe it, but he says it. But Derek…Derek he openly admits to hating. What will he do to him?

The tears stream quietly down my cheeks. I had thought from the beginning that I couldn't get anyone else involved in this, and now I desperately wish I hadn't. Because the safe, not alone feeling I've had since he found out isn't worth this terror. It's not worth what I'll feel if something happens to him. I can honestly say I'd rather die than have that happen.

I know he's planning on divorcing Addison. And after the 'I love you' thing, I hadn't been able to argue. Hadn't wanted to. He's doing that for me, to be with me all the time. Body guard duty.

I can't let him do that. Finn's at breaking point. One more slight provocation from Derek and it's over. At this point, it's possible anyway, but I have to do whatever I can to prevent it. And what sets Finn of the most is seeing me with Derek. So I can't let that happen anymore.

I stand up, grabbing my purse and the makeup bag I've kept in Finn's bathroom. I quietly unlock and open the bathroom door, my pulse quickening. I sneak down the stairs, praying that Finn won't wake up.

I leave the house and drive home, where I sneak in quietly enough to not wake anyone. In my bedroom, I pack a few articles of clothing in a bag and go back to the car.

I don't know where I'm going, or for how long. This isn't for good, but it is for long enough to figure things out. Figure out a way around this without putting Derek in danger. I'd said I wouldn't leave, because it would be letting Finn take away too much. But this isn't Finn taking things, not really. It's me giving them up for Derek.

I'm hoping this will be a few days. I could get in touch with the police, maybe, and get Finn a restraining order that way. Stay away until the court date. Start over. No protection needed. Finn won't ever know that Derek knew.

I drive to a hotel outside of Seattle and stay there for the night, doubting I'll stay this close. Still, it works for now. It's almost daybreak, but that doesn't really matter since I'm not going to work. I can even sleep if I wanted to.

It's about six thirty when I realize that Derek will be worried when I don't come to work tomorrow, so I call the hospital and leave a message for the Chief, saying something came up with my mother that I have to take care of urgently. It's the only lie I can think of, and it comes with problems (Chief might check this out himself, it's only a temporary excuse, etc) but, as Dr. Bailey says, I'm a bad liar.

Anyway, I don't care that it's temporary. I just want to know that Derek's not worrying, and that Finn's completely in the dark about Derek knowing. Because that would be the final straw to make him snap.

Ignoring a tiny sliver of inexplicable fear that continues to linger, I focus on relief. Because I've done something. By myself. For myself, and for Derek. So I focus on it.

For the first time in days, I sleep.

Derek

I pull myself from the bed in the on-call room fairly early, pretty sure the interns are rounding already. I actually feel a little giddy; I want to tell her about the divorce, and not even because it means I can start what she calls body guard duty: but because it means I'm free. Because she was always going to be the first person I tell, no matter what the circumstances.

I wander the corridors for a few minutes before hearing Bailey's voice directing someone in one of the pre-op rooms. Then, Izzie Stevens' voice carries out of the door as she gives a quick run down of a patient who is apparently having an aortic aneurysm clipped. Soon, the group files into the hall and my heart sinks; Meredith isn't with them. She's already been assigned.

"Need something Dr. Shepard?"

"No. Where's Dr. Grey this morning?"

"Don't know. She never showed up."

My stomach clenches. "Huh?"

"She's late. Very late." Bailey's expression is disapproving and annoyed. I feel dizzy. My eyes slide to the other interns. "None of you heard from her?" They shake their heads, and Alex's eyes meet mine, understanding the concern.

I turn without another word and move down the hall, away from them, already pulling out my cell phone and calling her.

It goes straight to voicemail without ringing. Her phone's off.

My hands shaking, I put my cell phone back into the pocket of my lab coat and try to steady myself.

She's okay. She's okay. She probably turned her phone off after talking to me last night. And now she's running late. Maybe Finn didn't wake her up or set an alarm. Yeah. He'd think it was okay to make her late for work. She's fine. Because I'm divorced. And I told her, finally told _her_, that I'm in love with her. And it's all going to be okay now.

She's _fine_.

I call a couple more times, just to be sure. Still nothing but voice mail.

She's okay. She'll show up late in a few minutes, and see she's missed calls from me later tonight, and maybe she'll laugh at me for getting so freaked out. Freaking out when she's okay.

My pager goes off. Complication with a post-op patient. I have to go.

But it doesn't matter. She's fine.

Half an hour later, I finish with my patient and find Dr. Bailey. "Grey ever show?"

"No. And when she finally does, she'll wish she hadn't-"

I turn and walk off numbly, without waiting for the end of the sentence. I feel like being sick. I check my phone for missed calls. I call her once more and get the voicemail.

She's not okay.

I start to run, through the halls to the lobby, needing to get to the parking lot and the car and look for her.

I'm moving through the lobby and Yang and Karev are by the coffee cart, and Alex is watching me. "Shepard?" He calls.

I don't turn, but I do shout an answer. "I'm going to look for her."

I hear Cristina ask him. "Is he talking about _Meredith_?"

Then the lobby doors open and in walks the last person I expected to see. _Him_.

He approaches me, not even bothering to disguise his anger. I don't give him a chance to speak. Rage choking me, I get close to him and practically snarl at him, "WHERE IS SHE?!"

The anger leaves him momentarily and he smirks. "Who?"

My hands are out and seizing his collar. "Meredith. Where is she?!"

The smirk disappears and the anger returns. "I don't fucking know. That's why I'm here. Now cut the bullshit and tell me where she is."

I can hardly see straight, every muscle in my body tightening. "You fucking liar. Where is she? What the hell did you do to her this time? I swear to God I'll make you wish you never laid a hand on her…."

You'd have to really be paying attention to see the change that occurred briefly in Finn's eyes. From anger to shock and understanding. Then back to anger, yet it's somehow more pronounced. Because I said too much.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about." He says in a low voice, speaking through clenched teeth.

"Gentlemen?" It's Richard, walking briskly toward us, a scrub cap on his head as if he'd just come from the OR. "Everything okay?" He shoots a warning glance at me.

"Yes, sir." I'm shocked at how Finn's voice can go back to pleasant. "I was looking for Dr. Grey."

"She called in this morning leaving a message to say something came up with her mother she had to attend to. I didn't get a chance to mention it to Bailey before getting pulled into surgery." Relief wells in my chest and I forget my rage for a moment, shooting up a silent prayer of thanks that she really is okay.

Finn smiles. "Thank you, sir."

Richard looks at me. "Get back to work Shep." He clamps a hand on my shoulder that is probably supposed to be a warning; he doesn't want another scene like last night's. He turns and walks away.

Finn's eyes are almost manic when he looks at me again, his voice a low, dangerous whisper. "Looks like you two have been talking about more than cases. You'll be sorry, Shepard. You'll _both _be fucking sorry." He turns and walks toward the lobby door, and I remain rooted in place. I'm paralyzed by the sudden realization and the horror that comes with it: he knows that I know. The one thing Mer had seemed the most afraid of.

I hate myself for being frozen right now. Because I watch Finn's retreating form through the glass doors, as he edges through the parking lot, my throat raw and burning from the yelling I'd been doing, my heart pounding in my ears. I can't move.

_Meredith. Get to Meredith._

Finally, these thoughts are able to register themselves and I whirl around, shooting Alex an anguished look. "He knows." I manage to get out, and Alex's expression of concern and confusion vanishes to one of alarm. "He said…we'd be sorry. He knows I know."

"What's he talking about?" Cristina nudges Alex, but he doesn't take his eyes off me.

"I'm going to find her. I have to get there first."

"I'll come, too." Alex moves forward and we both head to the doors.

"What are you two idiots going on about?" Cristina yells.

Alex turns, and I'm glad he's thinking rationally because there's no way I can, and speaks in a firm voice. It's taking all my energy not to vomit in the middle of the lobby. "Cristina, tell Izzie or George to go their house and wait for Meredith. If she comes home, keep her there. _Don't_ let Finn in. Someone needs to keep calling her. If you reach her, tell her to call Shepard and not go to Finn's house. If she's there, have her leave. He _cannot _get to her first. Okay?"

"Why?!"

"_Trust_ me." Without another word of explanation, Alex follows me out into the parking lot, heading to his car as I head to mine.

Some bit of rational thought picks up again and I tell him, "I'll call the home where her mom is. If she's still there, I'll tell her to go somewhere. I don't think Finn knows where it is, or even the name of it, so it'll take him longer to get in touch with her." Please let that be true. Please let her still be there and not back at his place getting clothes she left there. Please.

"Good thinking….hold on." He stops moving and grabs my cell phone, which I've already taken out. He punches some buttons for a few minutes then hands it back. "Okay, I put my number in. Call me when you talk to the home. I drive around anywhere else she might have gone. Okay?"

I nod. "Thanks, Alex."

I call information as I'm driving the car from the parking lot, Alex behind me in his. They connect me with the home and I try to make my voice sound normal. "Yes, this is Derek Shepard…I was the neurosurgeon who put Ellis Grey into the clinical trial for Alzheimer's. I was wondering if her daughter was still there visiting from this morning. Meredith."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Shepard…Meredith Grey hasn't been here today. She may be-"

"But…but there was a situation. Urgent." I blurt out, sure this can't be true. She had to be there. Had to.

"I don't know what you mean."

"With her mother, with Ellis. Something she had to take care of."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Shepard, but I don't know what you could be referring to…as far as I know her mother's fine. And I'm positive Meredith hasn't been in all morning."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks, thank you." I mutter numbly and hang up the phone. She wasn't there. I don't know where the hell she is. I just know that wherever it is, she doesn't know that Finn now has this crucial bit of information. Her biggest fear. She has no idea that I inadvertently betrayed my promise. Hot tears prick my eyes, because for the first time since this started I feel completely, totally helpless. There had always been part of me that was confident, that was self-assured and had a plan. Now I don't know what to do.

I remember the way she'd cried into the phone last night, from his bathroom in the middle of the midnight. All because I'd lost control of my rage and couldn't protect her. And now, because of that, Finn knows the one thing she said would make him go crazy.

I have to get to her first.

**Wow. Okay. So. Divorce happened. I actually felt bad for Addie in it. I'm coming around to her very quickly as a character and am not done with writing her in this fic. But she's pissed at Derek. She should be, really…she has no idea what's going on. The thing is, though, I was also cheering for Derek. Because my love for him? Has, if possible, increased since seeing him cry and pull Mer from the water. Because he was her knight in shining whatever. And in this fic, he is also that. **

**And Mer. Oh, Mer. I hate putting you in danger now. And you are in danger. Because Finn knows that Derek knows and you don't know that Finn knows that Derek knows….just bad stuff. After the whole flat lining thing…I didn't really want to put you in danger. Had I written this after one of those first two eps, I probably would have killed Finn off instantly and had everything be shiny and happy again. Which is very unrealistic and, frankly, uninteresting. I hope I made it clear that Meredith was SO scared for Derek. We know she's scared of Finn and what his anger will do. And she'd just seen a girl die on an OR table today. And she knows how Finn hates Derek. And, probably the most pivotal thing, she heard Finn say he would kill him. So that's a pretty strong thing.**

**Please review. Let me know what you think about the divorce scene, Derek worrying so much, the search, Meredith running…everything. I will be updating faster. Probably very fast, cuz I have an essay to write tomorrow, and will probably have Word up, and will probably be tempted to work on this instead of an essay about the Progressive Era, which is no fun because it doesn't include McDreamy.**


	7. Best I'll Ever Be

**Hee. Originally, this wasn't supposed to be this long of an update. But it is. And it's coming pretty soon after the last one (Gasp, collective thud as readers fall over, face in the keyboard). Anyway, I told you I'd have more time. **

**Okay, so here's my confession. I'm in love with this chapter. It is my favorite. Because it is…so many things. Stuff happens (to quote Shonda). One reviewer asked for more MerDer, and that made me happy because when I read this, I was halfway through this chapter, and there is lots of MerDer. There is nothing but Mer/Der. **

**So please read it. And review it. Oh, and enjoy it. Also, the song it's named after is one I've been listening to over and over lately, and is just the prettiest thing ever. And reminds me of Meredith and Derek back in the angsty days. Well, anytime. You guys should check it out.**

**Chapter Seven: Best I'll Ever Be**

_I miss you  
I miss being overwhelmed by you  
And I need rescue  
I think I'm fading away  
But I keep thinking that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear  
I keep hoping that you'll sneak in my room_

_So I wait and I wait  
And I run myself in the same old circles  
I sit and I stare  
And I run old scenes through my tired head  
Of the days that we laid by the school and said forever  
Was that the best I'll ever be_

Can't keep my hands from shaking  
Stumbling through the wreckage again  
But you're gone

_Best I'll Ever Be, Sister Hazel_

Derek

There aren't many places she would go on her own. Meredith's predictable when it comes to places she frequents. And I try a lot of places. When I call Alex he says she's not at her house or at Finn's. He says Izzie was able to get away from the hospital to go wait at home.

I go to Joe's and tell him to have her call me if she comes in. I go to the docks, hoping vainly she'll be sitting on one of the benches we used to frequent, watching the ferries. I go by her mother's home, even, like part of me still thinks that woman on the phone was lying.

None of this makes sense. Why would she call in to the hospital and say something happened with her mother when nothing had? I push away the terrifying thought that Finn had been lying that he really _had _done something to her. The thing is, though, I can tell when people lie. And Finn may be good at shifting into that phony, bullshit nice guy mode, but there is no way he could have been faking that rage earlier. No way.

Which is something, at least. That Meredith isn't with him_ yet_.

I close my eyes briefly, frustrated because I'm still driving, but I no longer have a destination. I can't think of one anymore.

I _know_ Meredith. I should be able to figure out what was going on in her head, I'd just talked to her last night…

Then the conversation comes floating back to me. How scared she'd been, not for herself, but for _me_. It had broken my heart to think that she'd been dealing with _him _and all the fear and loneliness for so long and yet it was concern for me that made her break down. I've been putting Meredith first this whole time; now, it turns out she's doing the same for me.

As I'm thinking about this, something else she said comes back to me; something the day after I'd found out, when we'd been talking about it in the locker room at the hospital. I'm not sure why it occurs to me; it's like my mind just knows what I need.

_The only thing I can come up with is leaving town, and that's…that's just letting him take even more than he has, any more than he could._

Then, she had thought that wasn't worth the sacrifice…sacrificing everything she still loved to protect herself. But now, she isn't protecting just herself.

She's protecting me.

What if…what if this has made Meredith decide _that _was worth the sacrifice?

Immediately, I know this is right. Because it would be worth it to me.

She's left town. There's no longer a question. I just _know_. And I can stop driving aimlessly around Seattle and head out of town. There are so many ways she could have gone out, but something instinctual has taken over the driving, directional part. I'm hoping that somehow, this strange instinct will lead me to Meredith.

Using speakerphone, I dial Alex, tell him she's left town and that I'm sure, and when he asks which direction I'm heading, I'm able to tell him with no hesitation. I don't know what part of my brain is making these decisions, but I'm hoping it comes from something bigger than a blind guess.

After hanging up, assured to know Alex is heading the opposite direction to look. He also said something about finding out if O'Malley is one a case, and he tells me Cristina's been calling Meredith every few minutes. I'm grateful for the help of her friends; I know they'll probably be in trouble, especially Alex and Izzie, who'd left in the middle of a shift without a word to Dr. Bailey.

I sigh, wishing that Meredith hadn't been so scared of opening up to them. But remembering the fear in voice just at the thought of Finn doing something to me…I can see why she wouldn't.

As I drive down the interstate, I decide that Meredith would probably want to get at_ least_ an hour away for now. I decide to drive for about that long, then start checking hotels. We'd talked on the phone really late…she probably wouldn't have gone too far.

I hope.

_Please, God don't let her be too far. _

I hate feeling ineffectual, hate being in a car and just having to _wait_ to get to her. I let go of the wheel with one hand (I've had it in almost a death grip) and dial my cell phone. Her number, one last time. This time, I leave a voice mail.

"Mer? It's me. Listen, I know by now you've seen you have about a hundred missed calls but…this is important. Please. _Please_ call me. I need to know you're safe. Something happened. It's my fault. I'm so sorry…but he's looking for you. I am, too…I need to get to you first and it'll be okay. Trust me. Don't worry about me, just….just _call_. Please. I need to know you're okay. Please." I sigh, wanting to say more. "I love you." I hang up the phone, not feeling much better, because the truth is, after the multiple missed calls from Cristina and I, and probably Alex and Izzie, too, there's no way she wouldn't have called if she had her phone.

The problem with driving is you have nothing to do but think. And what I'm thinking about isn't something I want to be thinking about. Because what if Finn has figured this out, too. Figured out that she's running away from him. What if he gets to her first?

To my annoyance, the road becomes blurry through the windshield and I have to blink back tears.

She's fine. Meredith, _my _Meredith, is fine.

Yet I can't shake that same overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

After an hour of driving, I trust my instincts again on where to exit the interstate and begin looking for hotels.

There are two across the street from each other and I pull up to the first one I come to and enter the lobby, trying to control my ragged breathing when I approach the front desk. There's a feeling in the pit of stomach that I can't explain, and somehow I don't really believe this is the right place. That would be too easy.

The too-pleasant lady at the front desk smiles at me. "Can I help you, sir?" Her chirpy voice grates on my nerves.

"Yes, um, could you ring Meredith Grey's room for me?"

"Grey? One moment." There's the soft click clacking of a keyboard, and her eyebrows knit in confusion. "I'm sorry, sir, we don't have anyone checked in under that name."

My heart sinks, but I'm not at all surprised. This hadn't felt right. It would have been too easy.

"Oh, okay. Thank you." I turn, trying to shake it off. It would have been stupid to think I would find her in the first hotel.

I walk out to the parking lot and groan, with a sudden realization. I should have known; her car isn't here. It will save time, obviously, to just check hotel parking lots rather then approaching every single front desk, yet I know I will still go inside. There's always the chance she didn't bring her car.

I don't even know where these incoherent thoughts are coming from, but the hotel across the street has a parking deck so I park in one of the nearer spots and don't bother scanning the lot for her car. I just go in the hotel, toward the desk. I still don't have the best feeling about it.

Another perky woman. Another apologetic look when they tell me no one by the name of Meredith Grey has checked in.

My shoulders slump dejectedly when I walk out to the car again. It's only the second hotel. It would have been too easy to find her there, in the second hotel.

XXXXXXX

It would have been too easy. The seventh hotel. The seventh out of so many that she could have possibly stopped in.

But I feel sick, because my stupid impulses have not led me to Meredith yet, and I can no longer ignore the distinct possibility that we are taking routes that are not even remotely similar. Worse, Finn could be behind her.

It had started raining somewhere between the third and fourth hotel and I'm soaked from continuously getting in and out of the car and walking across parking lots.

I'm doubting my stupid impulses.

What if she's not even in a hotel? What if she's stopped somewhere to eat, or a rest stop, or…let's face it, what if I'm wrong about the whole running away thing and we missed her all morning in Seattle, and now she's with Finn and he's-

No. She's fine.

I don't understand why she won't answer the phone. Why she keeps it turned off. Probably doesn't want to know Finn's looking for her.

But what about me?

The eighth hotel is staring me in the face soon, so I pull over and park, but I sit in the parking lot for awhile, because I don't see her car. Sure, I am not in viewing distance of every parking space. But I don't see her car.

I feel stupid.

Finally, I drag myself from the car and into the hotel. There's a line at the hotel desk this time, and I wait in it dejectedly, absently rubbing my right hand through my damp hair.

When I finally step up to the eighth hotel desk, face to face with the eighth perky woman (What is it with them?), my voice is dull and no longer full of the false confidence that said I have no reason to doubt the guest I'm asking for is actually here. "Can you ring Meredith Grey, please?"

"Grey…" There's the click-clacking on the eighth keyboard. Then the woman looks up at me. "Do you want to give her a message or do you need to speak to her?"

My head snaps up and I know my expression of utter astonishment must look extremely idiotic. My heart is pounding, each beat reverberating throughout my entire body, which had previously been slumped limply on the counter and is suddenly straightening up. "You…you mean she's staying here? Really? Meredith Grey?" I'm leaning forward eagerly.

Perky woman number eight is definitely a little worried now. She turns her head nervously, then eyes the bellhops at the front doors at the hotel, probably calculating how long it will take them to jump to her defense and wrestle me to the ground if I go crazy.

"Yes…."

"What's her room number?" I blurt out, and the woman looks even more uneasy.

"I can't really give that out…"

"Okay, just call her…call her, I'll talk…"

She nods, forcing a smile, perkiness draining quickly. She walks a little way down the desk and picks up a telephone connected to the desk in some way, dialing before handing it to me. "It's ringing her room…" On the other end of the line, it rings four times without an answer, then cuts off.

There's no longer a line at the counter, and I wave my hand at the woman. "Excuse me, are you sure you dialed right?" It's not all surprising that Meredith wouldn't answer, but I need to ask.

She turns, looking extremely edgy to see me still standing here. "Was there a problem, sir?"

I try to shoot her a winning smile, but I'm borderline hysterical now. "She didn't answer. Can you check the room number again?"

Probably about two seconds away from calling a nice, burly luggage handler or someone to stand behind the desk with her, Not So Perky Woman punches a few keys on the keyboard and grabs the phone, dialing while staring at the computer screen. She hands me the phone again, and this time, she stands watching as I listen to four rings. I hand it back to her. "She's not there." I sigh. "Listen, if you could please just give me a room number…"

"I really can't, sir, I'm not-" There's a voice calling from the office behind the desk and, looking extremely grateful, the woman quickly says. "I'm sorry, I've got to go…" She backs away and disappears into the office with an expression of panic that I would find funny if it were any other situation.

I moan softly to myself. Then I glimpse the computer and realize that the last time the woman had touched it, it had been looking up Meredith's room number. Not even bothering with subtlety, I hurry behind the desk and fix my eyes on the computer screen, and as soon as they've landed on the list of names, I zero in on Meredith's.

Room 437.

Moving from behind the desk, I go to the elevator, moving on autopilot. I press the four.

Please let her be there. Please.

I usually like elevators. But an elevator ride has never taken so damn long in my life.

Then I'm on the fourth floor, and I'm reading the tiny little directional signs that tell you which way to find each room. It takes me a moment to figure out which way to go; I can't process anything right now. So then there's a hallway, and I'm running down it.

Why are hotel hallways so dark?

437. It says so right on the door. It's her. I put hand on the door, then finally, I make myself knock, I'd been in such a hurry, but it takes a lot of effort for me to knock on the door. Because part of me is scared that it won't be so easy as Meredith, perfectly okay, opening the door. Because who's to say Finn isn't here already? Who's to say she hasn't already left? Who's to…

The door swings open, her expression already one of shock. My entire body weakens, and I just stare at her. She really _is _fine. There's a gash on her face, the corner of her right eye, probably something he'd done last night in his rage against _me_. But for once I can't stir up any feelings of hatred for Finn. I can only look at her.

She wraps her tiny fingers around my wrist and pulls me into the hotel room and closes the door, her face still shocked. "Derek what…how did you find me?"

"Don't know." I answer softly, my voice sounding like it's floating from somewhere far away.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

My mouth twists a little and that same strange voice comes out. "I am now. Mer, Finn was looking for you at the hospital…" My voice is scratchy and rough, on top of the fact that it's jumping all over the place. "He asked where you were…I was worried because you weren't there."

Guilt overtakes her gorgeous features and she protests, "I left a message with the Chief so you wouldn't worry-"

"I know, but he was in surgery, and he didn't tell…Mer, I thought he'd hurt you. I asked him what the hell he'd done to you _this time_…" My expression twists in agony, and fear flashes in Meredith's eyes but she stays silent. "He's looking for you, now. He said I'd be sorry…he said we would both be sorry…" My voice finally falters and cracks. "I was so scared…"

All the terror I've been feeling, the knowledge of why exactly she'd come here, combined with relief of seeing in front of me, actually fulfilling my mantra about her being fine, the one I'd never really believed, well…it's hit me in an instant

My first instinct is to be embarrassed by the tears that have overflowed my eyes and are flowing down my cheeks, but my throat tightens and chokes me, my body beginning to shudder violently with hard, silent sobs. I pull Meredith close to me, holding her tightly for a moment, and then pushing back just enough so I can look at her through the shield of tears.

"Derek…" She whispers, her voice is soft and comforting and a little surprised; she's never seen me breakdown. I've always been strong for her.

I bend my head low, pressing the top into her shoulder, against her chest, letting myself cry like I haven't cried in many years. Because all of it, the worry, the fear, the guilt…all of it is weighing too heavily now.

Her hands caress my hair, and I hear her murmuring my name softly, over and over, her chin pressed lightly on top of my head. Finally, I move my head up to look at her, and she's crying, too; much more controlled then I am; tears are simply coursing down her cheeks, and she gazes at me, seemingly oblivious to them.

She reaches up and cradles my face with her tiny hands. "Derek, don't….don't do this, it's okay. Look at me, I'm fine. I'm sorry I worried you." Her eyes are so broken for me.

"I know. It's okay. I know why you left." Her eyebrows knit together in confusion. "For me. Right?"

She looks only a little surprised that I guessed, and then she nods. "I don't want him to hurt you, Derek."

My lips curve into a tiny smile. "I don't want him to hurt _you_. Not again, not anymore. It's been too much already…" My voice is quavering again, and when she speaks hers has a catch in it, too.

"No, none of that. You can't, because then I will…" Her hands are still cupping my face, and now she slowly moves her fingers enough to clear away the tears. Responding, I reach up and do the same for her.

Meredith pulls me down a little and rests her forehead against mine, so our eyes and lips are inches apart. "I really, really love you, Derek."

"I love you, too. More than anything." I move forward, closing the small gap that's keeping us apart and kiss her intensely. I'd forgotten that it's been so long since we've done this, and am instantly reminded how incredibly perfect her mouth feels against mine, how much I love her taste…I keep my left hand against her cheek but move the right one up, moving it through her hair. She also moves a hand from my face and caresses my neck gently.

The last thing I want to do is break that kiss, but something occurs to me, something I'd wanted to tell her this morning…in fact, it had been my only motive in finding her, which seems ridiculous after the panic of the last few hours. "Mer…" I murmur against her mouth. "Meredith…." Then I pull back, just a little, just enough so I can find her eyes with mine. "Meredith, I'm getting a divorce."

She looks at me, all kinds of things racing through her eyes: happiness, relief, surprise, even guilt…. Then she whispers, "Really?"

"Yes. I told her why, too." Meredith's eyes widen momentarily, but I continue, "I told her that I'm in love with you. You're _it_ for me, Mer."

I never wanted this moment to be in these circumstances. I wanted this moment to happen when we can jump directly into happiness; I don't want to be telling Meredith we're free in a hotel room she's hiding out in, while I'm looking at her cut face or her bruised arms…it's supposed to be perfect.

Still…after the words have left my mouth, Meredith just looks at me for a moment, her eyes actually _happy_, and then wraps her hands around my neck, placing her lips back on mine without a word.

As we move, still pressed together, out of the tiny area by the door of her hotel room and towards the unmade double bed in the center of the room, I think that maybe this could be perfect, too.

Dim thoughts reach my brain, thoughts about needing to call Alex and letting him know that Meredith's okay, but this is a far too incredible moment to break, so I decide it can wait.

She sits on the edge of the bed and slowly pulls me forward until she's lying on her back. Partially covering her body with mine, I let one hand support my weight, the other wandering to the bottom of her shirt, letting my fingers slide just below the hem.

Meredith deepens the kiss in response, and in a few moments she moves her lips from mine, slowly kissing her way down my neck, then reaches her fingers to the bottom of my shirt and raises it up on over my head before resuming kissing me.

I rest one hand on her stomach, letting one finger gently stroke the skin. Eventually, I begin moving a hand further up her shirt.

Then, she flinches almost imperceptibly.

Meredith

Oh, God.

I'd been allowing myself to get lost for a while, lost in how good it feels to be this close to Derek again, especially knowing it isn't wrong. Lost in rediscovering how perfect we fit together, lost in remembering how soft his touch is.

His fingers had been laying on my bare skin, just under my shirt, and I hadn't even noticed it. Then, his hand begins moving further up, and soon he'll be taking off my shirt.

His hand grazes one of the newer bruises, still tender, and I instinctually flinch away, my body stiffening, a familiar, suffocating panic surfacing.

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm about to be exposed, completely exposed, and the extent of what Finn does to me is going to be completely clear, or if I'm remembering the last few times with Finn, all horrible and not something I wanted and almost always followed by hurt.

Derek's hands are lifting my shirt, and he bends down and gently kisses my skin, not yet seeing everything.

To my intense embarrassment, tears fill my eyes and my breath hitches in my throat. Voice trembling violently, I whisper, "D-Derek…"

He looks up, alarmed by the suddenly scared and fragile tone in my voice. "Mer?" He moves his body up a little so his face is above mine, his eyes open and concerned. "What is it?" He presses his thumb against my cheek and rubs it back and forth gently, his usual way of calming me down.

I'm shaking all over, and wishing to God I wasn't_. This_, more than anything, I should be able to enjoy. Because it's just me and Derek.

I close my eyes, breaths coming out in ragged, panicked gasps. Derek's eyes grow even more alarmed, and even a little guilty, as if he thinks he's done this. "Meredith…"

"I'm fine, I'm…" A few tears escape and trace a path out of the corner of my eyes , down towards my temples.

Derek rolls over, so he's no longer poised over top of me, but propping himself up beside me, still peering at me in with that anxious expression.

"Hey…" He places two fingers under my chin and tilts my face to the side to look at him. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to-"

"I _do_, Derek, I want it…" God, I want it so much. But something's wrong.

"Then, what?" He doesn't sound annoyed or frustrated at all, just worried, and confused.

I swallow hard against the lump forming in my throat, and slowly allow my hands to grip the bottom of my shirt, peeling it up to just below my breasts.

Derek's eyes slide from my face and I close my eyes, hearing his sharp intake of breath. I know the bruises there are worse than the others, and they're pretty much all over. I've lost track of everything he's shoved me against or hit me with.

The very tips of Derek's fingers touch my skin, sliding slowly over my stomach and ribcage. I open my eyes and meet his. "Mer…" His voice is heavy, and his eyes are shining with tears. "Meredith, I wish I could take it all away…" His voice is so burdened with pain that I feel another wave of guilt for hurting him in all this, too.

"It's okay." And it is. He's here now, and I need him here. I usually hate needing anyone, because I'd grown up unable to depend on anyone. But I _need_ Derek, and I'm okay with that. More than okay.

He's over top of me again, his fingers now off my stomach and gently playing with a strand of my hair. I hook my fingers around his neck and pull him down to me, covering his mouth with mine, desperately hoping to pick up where we left off.

His tongue goes compliantly into my mouth, but after a few moments of this, I let my fingers pull at his belt buckle, and he murmurs my name against my lips. "Mer…" He pulls back to look at me, traces of worry still visible in his indigo eyes. "You sure?"

I hesitate for a moment, but only a moment. Nodding breathlessly, I lift my arms and Derek instantly pulls my shirt the remainder of the way over my head.

His face muscles still twitch a little when he looks down at me, and I can tell he's swallowing hard. I grip his chin in my hand and force his gaze up to my face. I don't want to be looked at the way he is now, like someone broken and hurt who should be pitied. I want him to look at me like he used to, nothing in his eyes but love and desire.

I want Finn and abuse and fear to be far away, just for a little while. I just want to be _us _again.

Derek seems to sense this, because he leans down again, kissing me on the lips and then moving down my face and onto the crook where my neck meets my shoulder. His fingers inch under my back, unhooking my bra and sliding it gently from my arms.

He moves lower, soft kisses tracing a path down my chest. I moan softly, entangling my hands in his dark hair.

Derek's fingers undo the button of my jeans and pull the zipper down, gently peeling the tight denim from my legs. I almost cringe again, trying to suppress the panic.

"Meredith?" He mutters, glancing up at me, his blue eyes already darkened and smoky. "You okay?"

I nod, forcing the uncertainty away, because this feels perfect, and right, and I haven't felt anything like that in a long time. Curving my lips into a smile, I voice this. "Perfect…now get your pants off already."

He smiles at that, and instantly he complies. Lowering his face towards mine, our lips touch once again. Feeling the heat from the nearness of his body, beads of sweat are beginning to gather at my forehead and my breath is coming out in short, panting gaps. I clutch Derek's back as I kiss him, kissing him like it's the most important thing in the world.

I love how he can kiss me and have it be simultaneously deep and still almost gentle. He makes me feel safe and loved, and in that instant all traces of the panic and fear evaporates and I finally let myself sink completely into the moment.

Because right now, I really am perfect.

Derek

I nuzzle my face into Meredith's hair, heaving a deep sigh of content. My arms are wrapped around her, her head resting on my chest. I can't remember feeling this happy in a long time; hours ago, I'd been cursing hotels, yet now I'm loving this hotel room and the escape its provided from everything else that's going on.

I tighten my arms around her body; she's shaking, but then, I'm pretty shaky myself. I breathe in the familiar, flowery scent of her hair for about the hundredth time. I'd missed that.

Lavender.

Meredith shifts a little on my chest, and I swear I can feel her heart beating against me.

I move my lips down a little and kiss her hair. She turns her head every so slightly, a smile tugging at the corners of her swollen lips. Her blue eyes are filled with tears, but they're also full of a light I haven't seen in her in ages. The haunted loneliness I've grown painfully accustomed to seeing in her eyes has disappeared.

I want to stay like this forever, and more importantly, I want _her_ to stay like this forever: safe and happy. I want to keep her like this.

She worried me, before…when I'd gone to take her shirt off and she'd said my name in that small, frail voice that had broken my heart, her eyes full of tears and her face twisted in fear. Then she'd shown me the other bruises. The really big, numerous bruises that suggest Finn had been using more than just his fists.

Meredith moves off my chest suddenly and moves up onto the pillow next to mine, turning so our faces our close together. I smile at her. "Hey."

"Hi." She smiles briefly, too, but then her eyes become serious again. "Derek, I'm sorry."

"For what?" My heart sinks just a little. She's looking worried again, just as I'd been hoping to keep her happy forever.

"For freaking out earlier." I open my mouth to brush this aside, tell her not to worry, but she continues. "And for leaving and making you worry. I was just scared for you, and I thought it would be the best way to keep him away from you."

My throat tightens. "I know, and I love you for that. But from now on we're staying together, okay?" I take one of her hands and lace my fingers through hers. "We can protect each other." I smile. "Deal?"

She smiles back, and I relax again. "Deal." She kisses me lightly. "Derek…what are we going to do?"

I'm quiet for a moment, wanting my answer to be the right one. "I think we should go back to Seattle." Her eyes instantly widen in fear, but I continue on in a reassuring voice. "Just long enough to talk to the police and get a restraining order and a court date. And we should talk to the Chief…he's close to firing me right now. Oh, and see your friends…" A realization hits me. "Oh, shit…"

"What?"

I roll halfway off the bed and grab my jacket off the floor, fishing through the pocket and taking out my cell phone, seeing I've missed two calls. "I didn't call Alex and tell him I found you…."

"Wait, Alex?"

"Oh…" I stop dialing momentarily and look at her. "Yeah. He was helping me look for you…he knows Meredith, but it's okay…" She's showing signs of looking panicked again. "It really is. I didn't tell him, I promise…he figured out. Yesterday, after the surgery. He heard Finn today, and he was just helping me look."

"Oh." Her voice sounds steady. "I actually…I figured he might suspect something."

I hold the phone to my ear, and in a moment Alex's strained voice answers. "Hello?"

"I got her."

There's a pause, then Alex exhales in relief. "She's okay?"

"She's fine."

"Good. That's…that's really good. I was getting worried because I drove by Finn's house and he had parked and went inside for a long time. I thought it was weird he wasn't looking for her, and I was worried that maybe he'd been lying about not knowing…"

That doesn't sound like Finn. I'd figured he'd be out looking for Meredith, trying desperately to get to her first. "He's…he's been there all day?" I suppress the doubt creeping forward…Meredith's fine, she's right in front of me. Nothing else matters.

"No. O'Malley called about twenty minutes ago, he drove by during a break and said Finn's trucks gone now. So I don't know."

"Okay, well…she's okay. Thanks for the help, Alex."

"No problem, man. Tell Mer I said hey."

I hang up the phone and look at Meredith with a smile, trying hard to ignore a lingering sense of unease. "Alex says hey. He's glad you're okay."

"Who were you talking about? That's been there all day?"

"What? Oh, he was just giving me an update of Finn. George drove by and-"

"George knows_, too_?"

"No! I mean, I don't…I don't know what Alex told them. But we were really scared, Mer, and he sent Izzie to the house to keep you there if you came home, and he told Cristina to call you on your cell as much as she could-"

Guilt creases her features. "I've had it turned off in my bag since last night. I'm sorry-"

I drop my coat on the floor and move back up in the bed, snaking an arm around her waist. "Don't be. It's fine, none of that matters. You're okay." I kiss her again, emphasizing the point, but the ringing of the phone, not my cell, but the hotel phone, startles us.

We both turn and stare at it. Meredith says quietly, "I hadn't wanted to answer it earlier…when it was you. I wasn't sure…" Her voice trails off, and the ringing stops after only two rings. Meredith shoots me an uneasy look.

"Probably wrong room. Or teenagers prank calling. They do that in hotels."

She doesn't look entirely convinced, but smiles briefly anyway. "You were saying you think we should go back to Seattle?"

"Just for a little while. Talk to the police, and Chief, get some more stuff and then, if it'll make you feel safer, we can get out of town for a little while. Both of us. Until the court date, and then they'll throw that jackass in jail and it'll all be over. _Over_, Mer. And you won't have anything to worry about anymore."

Her eyes glass over for an instant, a faraway, almost dreamy look dominating them. I know how much she wants this to be over. "Really?"

"Really."

"You…you don't have to come with me, Derek. I know you have work and everything and you don't have to come…" Her voice trails off uncertainly; her eyes are telling me a completely different story then her words.

"Meredith Grey, you disappoint me. We just got finished making a deal to stay together and protect each other and you want to run off and leave me in Seattle. Well, I won't let you break a deal that easily. It shows lack of character. Plus, I wouldn't dare leave you in a hotel room all alone. Far too much time on your hands…"

She grins, her eyes sparkling, and then she opens her mouth and begins to laugh, really _laugh_. I can't even remember the last time I heard her laugh, and it's the most beautiful sound in the world. I'm left with two very conflicting desires: to be able to hear her laugh forever, and to stop it by covering her mouth with mine.

Because I'm sure my attempt at banter and innuendo was not nearly clever enough to keep her laughing forever, I give in to the latter desire and press my lips against hers.

She returns it with no objection, but when I pull away, looks at me inquisitively. "What was that for?"

"For seeing you happy. It's good."

She smiles. "It feels good." She sighs. "Derek? I know we should go back. But can we…can we not do it until tonight? I'd feel better at night and…and I really just want to make this last a little longer, and we could just stay here all day…"

I'm shocked to remember it's only midday…I feel like today's been so eventful that it could have covered a week. But it's true, nightfall is a long time away. And I completely understand about her wanting to make this last.

"Sure, Mer…we can stay here until tonight."

Her eyes search my face and she comments, "You should sleep, Derek, you look exhausted."

I smile a little, remembering my thoughts in the on-call this morning that I wouldn't be able to sleep until she was next to me. Now she is, and sleep doesn't sound like such a bad idea, and it's made easy by the large curtains covering the hotel room's window, as well as the fact that it's a dreary, rainy day outside.

"You should, too." I tell her. She couldn't be getting much more sleep than I've been.

I pull the covers up closer, moving near her, my chest against her back, my arms wrapped around her. She takes one of my hands between both of hers, and I close my eyes, still able to breathe in the scent of her hair. I love sleeping like this with her.

"I love you, Mer." I whisper close to her ear after a moment.

Already sounding half asleep, she answers, "I love you, too."

It doesn't take long for me to drift off to sleep, and it's not just the best I've slept since finding out about Finn, but the best I've slept since Addison came, since Meredith was last with me.

XXXXXXXX

When I next wake up, I stare at the clock and it's after eight. I blink a few times, shocked at how long we'd slept.

"Mer? Meredith?" I shake her gently, and she scrunches up her nose and squeezes her eyelids like she always does when she's first waking up. She rolls over and looks at me. I grin. "Hi."

"Hey…what time is it?"

"8:13."

Her eyes widen. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." I kiss her in greeting, and then say, "You ready to get out of here?"

Looking only a little reluctant, she nods, and we get out of the bed on opposite sides, moving around the room collecting clothing; we hadn't gotten further than putting back on boxers and panties this morning.

Meredith stands in front of the mirror and pulls her messy hair into a ponytail, grabs a tiny overnight bag from the tiny desk in the corner, and turns to me. "Let's go."

When we're out of the room, I link my hand toward hers and keep it that way all the elevator ride down to the lobby. An older couple and two middle school age kids get on at the same time as use, which is unfortunate; a smile plays across my lips on the way down thinking of exactly what I could be doing with her in this elevator if we had it to ourselves.

I'm still holding her hand when we go up to the desk in the lobby to check out. I'm disappointed to see the perky lady from earlier had been replaced by another one. Thinking of how freaked out the woman had been, I can't help but laugh out loud. Every thing seems so much funnier now.

Meredith shoots me a look. "What's funny?"

I grin and slip my arm around her waist. "Nothing." She shakes her head a little, as though exasperated.

We walk out of the hotel in a just another moment to find the rain has gotten even harder. I lead her quickly toward my car, but as we're almost there, Meredith turns to me. "I'm parked on the other side…you want me to just follow you back?"

I frown slightly. "You're not riding with me?"

"I have my car." She seems to think this is obvious, but seeing my troubled expression, she adds, "And I don't want to just leave it here…if we're leaving town for a few days it's not like this is the ideal place to come back to."

I'm still a little uncertain. "It's just…it's raining, and the drive back is pretty-"

"Derek, I live in Seattle, too, remember? I think I know how to drive in the rain?" She sighs and shoots me a look that's half exasperated, half grateful. "I'll be fine Derek. Stop worrying, I'll be right behind you."

"Okay." I smile at her finally, and lean down and kiss her, the rain falling all around us, her lips fantastically wet. "I love you. Be careful."

"I love you, too. I'll be fine."

Within minutes, I'm pulling out of the parking lot, Meredith's car behind me.

XXXXXXXXX

We're about ten minutes outside of Seattle. I've finally stopped checking my rearview mirror every few seconds and actually have the radio on, classic rock music blaring through the speakers. I sing along to most of them, feeling insanely light and happy…all because of seeing Meredith happy, because of knowing she's safe. And because the helplessness is gone, and I have a plan, a real plan.

Of course, there is a small voice in my head that's trying to make me doubt myself. I write it off, though, as my inner pessimist, refusing to believe that this isn't too good to be true.

My cell phone rings, and I cut off the radio quickly before grabbing at it. "Hello?"

"Derek?"

"Mer?" Her voice make my stomach turn; she sounds panicked. My eyes dart to the review mirror, but the rain is pounding so hard on the back window of the car that I can only see her headlights. "Mer, what's wrong?"

"He's behind me…"

"Who?" But I know; my blood freezes, and my teeth inadvertently clamp down hard over my tongue, causing the taste of warm blood to fill my mouth. "How?"

"I don't know, he just pulled over, cut someone off…Derek what am I going to do?" Her voice is bordering on hysteria now, so I force mine to remain level and calm.

"It's okay….just stay calm, okay, Meredith? It's okay, you're fine, he's no closer to you than I am…" My eyes scan the road in front of me, trying to think. "Okay, see the exit coming up?" Jesus, we're two exits from Seattle…. "We're going to pull off. He'll probably follow, but that's fine, it's a town we can…we can get to a restaurant, or someplace crowded, and call the cops. Okay, Meredith?" All I can hear is her panicked breathing. "Meredith?"

"Okay." Her voice is nearly inaudible, but I hear it.

"I need you to trust me, okay?" I flick my turn signal on, still glancing back to make sure her headlights are still there. "Can you?"

"I trust you."

"Just follow me, it'll be okay….stay on the line…." I'm driving on the exit ramp now, and behind me, two sets of headlights follow. I hope my voice sounds a lot more confident then I'm feeling right now. "It's okay, Mer…" I murmur again.

I'm almost to the end…

Then I hear her voice, no longer small. "Oh, my God, what's he doing?! _Derek_ what is he _doing_?!"

I can't stop myself from jerking my head around. Finn's truck is speeding up, actually trying to go around Meredith so he's almost even with her car. "Meredith pull over!" I yell into the phone, but the advice is too late. I hear Meredith scream and I jerk my head around in time to see Meredith's car careening across the road and then off into the tiny grassy area on the right of the road, having been hit on the driver side by the truck. The car flips from the impact of sliding off the road and rolls, coming to rest with the drivers side on the ground.

I pull over instantly, just in time to feel the wind from Finn's truck careening by me.

"MEREDITH!" I shout her name over and over as I run toward the battered car, blood pounding in my ears, my shouts almost drowned out by the pounding of rain.

I open the passenger's side door and throw half of my body into the car, shaking hands fumbling with a seat belt and gathering Meredith's tiny, motionless frame in my arms.

**AH! I'm glad I finished that. I really, really like this chapter.**

**The Mer/Der-ness is great. Hoped you guys enjoyed the hotel room scene. Because there was never any doubt that when we put our two favorite doctors in a hotel room, there would be sex. Which is awesome because they haven't even kissed yet in this story (please let that be true, haha), and it's a really great moment. And if they had sex, Meredith would have some issues. But they'd both really want it. And it would let them kind of escape for awhile and be happy. **

**So what I love about that whole scene was that, I think and hope, it is both incredibly loving and happy while having such heartbreaking moments. Because Meredith? My heart just goes out to the poor girl. And so does Derek's. Because in between all this happiness, my two favorite moments were Derek's breakdown when he first got to her, and Meredith's panic when Derek starts to lift her shirt. Don't know what that says about me.**

**I ALMOST didn't leave you with the cliffhanger. Almost didn't, because I wanted to let you guys revel in happiness for a little while. Because part of what makes the end so horrible is all that happiness. Meredith was actually happy. Derek was definitely happy. They'd let themselves believe in the tiny little paradise they'd stepped into for the day. But the real world, including Finn, still exists. And it's a rude awakening for them to be reminded of that in such a way. But the thing is, I'm a little evil. And this story is angsty and difficult, which is why I had to end it that way. Don't hate me. Please.**

**This is becoming pathetically repetitive, but I would love long reviews for this one. I really want to know if all this worked, because the hotel scene? That's been playing in my head for months now. I want to know about the angst of Derek searching, and his breakdown and the angst of Meredith being afraid, and the happiness of wanting to stay there all day, and of course, the end. Haha. Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Please review, thanks for all those who have, thanks for reading!**


End file.
